Caught in the Web

Initially, the "web" part of world wide web referred to how things interrelated. These weren't linear or hierarchical relationships. This was a web that connected in different ways and reconnected in on itself. But now I think of the "interweb" in correlation to another spider web attribute. Stickiness. I, the humble prey, see something of interest. I move in closer. I'm stuck a little at that point. I'm stuck staring at my browser. Then I see something else. A referenced link? Or maybe I need to learn more. I go to Google or Wikipedia. But each move gets me more attached to the web. Like a struggling fly.

But who or what is the spider? Procrastination? Laziness? Distraction? I am so caught in it's web that I can't recognize it. It envelopes me until I can't move. Until a quick check of the email has turned in to hours of counterproductivity. Until the life blood has been sucked out of me. Until the spider devours me.

Yawning Spirituality

I believe more in the mysteries of the mind than what others ponder as the mysteries of the universe. I believe the former is, in fact, the source of the later.

People say they believe in ghosts because they have seen them or felt them. A dead relative speaks to someone in a dream; therefore, there is life after death. I don't doubt that these people saw or felt or dreamt what they say they did. I just interpret the meaning differently.

The memories of people exist in our brains. Remember that, we often dream about people who are n0t dead. We sometimes think I see things that aren't there. We sometimes get inexplicable feelings of comfort or unease. I don't believe that these are evidence of any knowing entity trying to communicate with us. But I also don't believe these are baseless hallucinations.

I do believe that our energies are connected. Changes in this energy trigger the brain to react in some way. That may be a unique experience to an individual. Or when multiple people have a shared experience they are responding to either the same stimuli or to a trickle down effect of each other stimuli. Seeing ghosts with the contagiousness of yawning.

Some people say a person "will live on in our memories." I believe in that in a much more tangible way. But I don't believe the dead are out there watching us. I just believe that we keep watching them.

This is the spirituality in which I have faith. That I am ruled by my mind, so I must worship it. I must give it time to rest and time thrive. I must nurture it and care for it. I must create a healthy temple in which it can dwell.

I believe if I lose my mind I have lost my soul. At that point I will be no better than a zombie or a dead girl.

Progress

I have more inspiration than I have time and motivation. This isn't just with the writing. I have a huge to do list. Although, with John's help, we got parts of it pared down today, I keep taking on projects that add more to it. I'm excited about things like baking cookies for A&J's Halloween party and giving a speech for the next women's group event at work. Still, it is this sort of volunteerism that keeps the list growing. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. There had been a week or so when I was feeling really overwhelmed. Really down. But now I feel a bit more in control. I feel a bit more like at least the important things are getting done by their deadlines. I may be able to keep up after all.

Better than nothing

I worked out but only just a little. Now, I will write but only just a little. But it's better than nothing, right?

The day job gets in the way. I come home with my eyes and brain tired. It's too easy to sink into the chaise and dissolve into television. The fluffier the show, the better.

I jotted down some new ideas today. I guess that's the start of returning to the writing habit. When I find more than a few minutes to work I can start developing them.

People talk of writer's block, when they can't think of what to write. I rarely have that problem. I tend to have more ideas than I can ever truly explore. And so many of my plays are not complete, even after premiere performances. I see that there are significant weaknesses and that the scripts should be revised, but it is so much more interesting to move onto the next idea. The new idea. There is always something. Maybe it's just an image or a line, but there is an idea. I feel that I am wasting them. But I am so tired and I don't know how to get more energy.

Some days I even do the right things. I don't OD on caffeine. I eat reasonably well. I get 8+ hours of sleep. Lately, however, that isn't enough to keep me from feeling that I am in a constant fog. I worry about it. I ordered some B-complex vitamins. That's supposed to help. I'm assuming it can't hurt. I've been taking vitamins, which I would think should help, but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. Actually, I think this fog fell after I started taking the vitamins. Could vitamins be bad for me? I don't think so. It must be something else. Whatever it is, I want to get past it and resume my life.

What is important

For the first time since the move I did some writing. Just a little but it is a start. As I was going to bed I got an idea for a monologue. Instead of going to sleep and figuring I'd write it later, which has been my usual pattern of laziness, I grabbed a notebook and wrote. It was only about 10-15 minutes, but it was an intense burst of writing.

I need to get back to writing and exercising regularly. I am not a religious person, so my body and my mind equal my soul. I only near nirvana when both are well tended. I feel better. I feel fulfilled.

I have been procrastinating everything of late: bill-paying, laundry, cleaning, tasks at work. I believe that if I can make time to write and to exercise I will regain the motivation to keep all aspects of my life in order. This is important. This is the key.