A Tired Mommy Morning

For the first time in a long time I was too tired. Since having the baby, I am often (constantly?) tired, but I usually work through it. This morning I could not.

Perhaps it's because after a long stretch of sleeping through the night fairly consistently the critter has woken up for 5 nights in a row. His best nights in this series involve being completely awake at 4 a.m. On Saturday he was up at 1 and stayed up until 2:30.

Last night was a 4 a.m. night. Not bad, but I think the cumulative effects of this series of nights got to me. I was actually fine at 4. I fed him and rocked him for over an hour. Then I washed the bottles that we had left the night before. (This was the wrong choice since it woke up the hubby. Sorry, babe.) Then I went back to bed. Fine.

It was when the critter woke up a little before 7 that got to me. Usually, I get up and am tired, but once I see my smiling boy I am somehow able to get to active mothering. This morning that didn't work. For the first time since month one or two, I just couldn't find the strength to do it. I changed his diaper, put him in his pack n play, and lay down on the couch.

I couldn't sleep while he was playing, but knowing that he was contained and safe let me rest my eyes and my mind at least a bit.

He played for almost an hour before getting fussy. Investigation showed that cause was a very poopy diaper, which I took care of. Then I put him back in his box for a little while, but he was ready to be out. Luckily, an hour of moderate neglect gave me the boost I needed to become my usual mommy self. I let him wriggle long enough to prepare myself some coffee and breakfast. Then, I let him go free range under my supervision and participation.

A nap was a long time coming. After feeding him, I put him down to rest, but another poopy diaper disrupted any hope at sleep. After taking care of that, there was a little more playing, a little more eating, and a little more fussing before he finally fell asleep. I should probably take this opportunity to return to the newborn advice to "sleep when my baby sleeps," but I'm awake now. I can do exciting things like blog and brush my teeth.

Okay, so I only struggled for an hour, but it was a long hour. It's a good thing that today is my day off. Of course, if it weren't my day off I would have tagged my husband in the middle of the night, which might have prevented some of my exhaustion. All I know is that I'm hoping that the critter learns to sleep through the night again. And soon.

WHO can't sleep through the night?

I awoke at 4:10. I don't know if I woke up because I'm used to being awake at that hour, or if I woke up because my breasts were so full and hard with milk. I did not wake up because I heard the baby. The baby was silent.

That's good, right? Usually, on a good night, he goes to bed around 9 PM and then wakes up for a feeding between 3 and 4 AM. Sleeping longer is good, right? Only if I can sleep too.

I stared at the clock, listening to the silence of the baby monitor. I couldn't help worrying if he was alright. After all, he fussed a little after we put him down last night. He wasn't crying out, so I let him fuss to see if he'd calm himself. Which he did. Or I thought he did. What if something was wrong? What if something was wrong, and I didn't check on him?

It was 4:20 when I couldn't fight the urge to check on him. I knew I might wake him up. I didn't want to wake him up. I just needed to know he was alright.

I entered the room as quietly as you can in an old building with creeky doors and squeaky floors. I approached the crib, but in the dark of the nightlight I couldn't tell if he was moving. Under the sleepsack I couldn't tell if he was breathing. I fought the urge to touch him or blow on him to get him to stir. I didn't want to wake him up. Eventually his lips moved a bit, as they sometimes do in his sleep. A finger moved. I went back to our bedroom.

I was trying to go back to sleep when the baby monitor started beeping. Sometimes it beeps when it loses contact with the main unit in the nursery. It loses contact for a second, then is fine. This time it was not fine. It just kept beeping with a glowing red light. Then, I realized that the smoke alarm was chirping too, and the clock was off. The storm had knocked the power out.

I opened our door and the door to the nursery and tried to go back to sleep. I still couldn't. I considered pumping to empty my breasts, but although the pump has batteries, I didn't want to have to deal with that in the dark. I just laid in bed. Until 4:55 when the baby woke for what would now be his 5 AM feeding.

Since I was so very awake, I fed him in the nursery instead of my usual, lazy, middle-of-the-night, feed-in-bed-so-I-can-sleep technique. I was finishing up when the power came on at 5:30. I put him back down in his crib. I got back into bed. The hubby got up to work out at 5:45. I got about 20 minutes more sleep before I had to get up.

The critter slept more than 8 hours straight last night. Mommy did not.

This morning: messy AND sleepy

After the good news that the critter is growing, we had a rough morning.

We’ve gotten pretty good with getting the critter to bed. We started a bedtime ritual and using the crib a few weeks ago. He can usually fall asleep on his own. On a good night, he’ll sleep from 8:30 PM until 3 or 4 AM. Last night was not one of those nights.

He woke up at 12:45 AM. Generally I’ve been just taking him to bed if he wakes up. It doesn’t help us get any closer to having him sleep through the night, but with trying to adjust to going back to work it is nice to be able to just latch him onto a breast and go back to sleep while he does what he needs to do. Last night, I tried to be “good.” I got up and fed him in the nursery. Then he put him back down in the crib. He was crying about 20 minutes later. Hubby brought him to me in bed. I cuddled the critter until he fell back asleep and, eventually, I did too.

He woke up again at 5 AM. That’s actually worse than getting up earlier since it means I don’t get to go back to sleep before 6 AM, which is when I need to get up nowadays (an hour before my pre-critter waking time). As a result, I was moving pretty slowly when I did get up. Hubby did his usual portion of the critter prep and left for work. I proceeded as usual, but after I did the final breast feed on the critter he spit up. A lot. Granted, he didn’t get me like he got his dad a few days ago. I managed to be prepared with a burp cloth. Still, he covered his face, arm and chest pretty well. As I was trying to clean him off he was leaning back a little when he spit up again. It spurted up like a sour milk fountain.

The drooling sort of spit up doesn’t distress him, but he seemed quite uncomfortable during all this. I held him until he became calm. Apparently, I was successful because he fell back asleep. This is actually a good thing because he needs his sleep, but I was disappointed for two reasons. (1) He looks like such an angel when he is sleeping that I just want to stay and hold him forever; and (2) I wanted to be able to go back to sleep, too!

He woke up a bit when I changed him into clean clothes but fell back to sleep when I strapped him into the car seat. He was still asleep when we got to daycare.

Momma has to cope with coffee.

Busy, Busy Bees

My husband and I are greatly looking forward to life with baby; however, we realize that there are a number of things we like to do together that will become logistically more difficult when we have a child. As a result, we're sort of on a bit of a bender for activities (particularly concerts and plays) that will be difficult (or significantly more expensive because of babysitters) once the baby is born.

In the past few months we have seen a bunch of concerts including Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Beck, and TV on the Radio. We've been going to plays including Eurydice at Victory Garden and The Brothers Karamazov at Looking Glass Theatre. We also saw the Yard Dogs Road Show and a Henry Rollins spoken word show.

In addition to this, social events have kicked up since the end of October and likely won't die down until New Year's. Also, John and I both have been really busy at work. On top of all that I still try to do Bikram Yoga at least twice a week.

I was also spending some of my pre-mama time to draft a new full-length play. It's having a developmental reading at Chicago Dramatists tonight. On the one hand, I'm excited to hear the play and get some feedback. On the other hand, I'd love to be able to go home after work and just snuggle and watch TV with my husband. Of late, those nights are rare treats.

They say the best time to "do things" is during your second trimester, so I guess I'm following that advice to a T. Still, it's a bit harrowing and the time is flying by. I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week! I haven't even started thinking about Christmas shopping, which is very unlike me.

I look forward to January and some time to do nothing. We have a couple more plays to see in January and February, and a concert or two may pop up. Still, it will not be like now. I'm enjoying all we are doing, but it is starting to wear me out! All I want for Christmas is a weekend to myself!

ZOMG! ur txt is 2 l8!

I seem to remember my mother telling me it is rude to call people before 9 AM and after 9 PM. It seems to me that most civilized folk follow some similar rules although the times may be adjusted a bit. (An exception is college when everyone has crazy schedules and late night calls, even on weekdays, were not unexpected.)

Now, I don’t believe that people aren’t up before 9 AM or go to bed at 9 PM. That's definitely not my schedule. However, before 9 AM people are often busy getting their day started, particularly during the work week. After 9 PM, people are usually winding down for bed (on weekdays) or already busy (on weekends). Of course, there are exceptions if you know for sure someone is available. They may be even expecting the call. (“I can’t call until 10 tonight, is that okay?”) But, if I don’t know I try to stick to the rule unless the call is for something really important. Like I said, it seems that most people do the same.

But text messages seem to be different.

Yes, a text message is less of an interruption than a phone call, but it’s still an interruption. If the phone ringer is active, it will still make a sound. The receiver is still likely to look at the message to see what it is whether she was awakened from sleep or is rushing to get ready for work.

Last night, my husband and I finally made it to bed early. All the rest of the week, despite intentions otherwise, we have ended up staying up late, leaving us both functioning as walking zombies. But last night we finally go to bed early. Until…

There was a beep. This is how soundly asleep we both were: at first we were so out of it that we couldn’t figure out what the sound was. After a while I decided it was my husband’s phone. He decided it was mine. He was right. (Sorry, sweetie.)

I got up and got my phone. The text message was, of course, of no particular importance, but the damage had been done. I couldn’t fall asleep again for over an hour. My husband ended up getting up because he couldn’t sleep.

Perhaps I was asking for this. If I didn’t want to be disturbed I shouldn’t leave my ringer on, right? The problem is, I like to have the ringer on at night because of those times when there is truly something important. Sure, those messages usually come as actually phone calls and not texts, but on my phone turning the ringer on and off applies to everything. (One exception is Twitter, which has very good DND options for phones.) To only turn off text messages I would have to change the text messages settings each night and change them back in the morning. It’s easier to be annoyed.

Some text messages are random thoughts that people want to share at that time. I think the spontaneity of the content prevents people from thinking about whether this is an appropriate time to share. But I wish people would stop to think about that for a moment. At least before hitting "send" to me.

If you want to let me know something and it is not between 9 AM and 9 PM, unless it’s urgent, send me an email. You can do that from your phone. You don’t even need a “smart phone” or anything. Just type my email where you would normally put my phone number in the text message. That way, I can get your message and respond at a time when you aren’t waking me up or jarring my precisely timed morning routine. Oh, your message won’t be meaningful a few hours later? It’s just not that important? Precisely.

Better than nothing

I worked out but only just a little. Now, I will write but only just a little. But it's better than nothing, right?

The day job gets in the way. I come home with my eyes and brain tired. It's too easy to sink into the chaise and dissolve into television. The fluffier the show, the better.

I jotted down some new ideas today. I guess that's the start of returning to the writing habit. When I find more than a few minutes to work I can start developing them.

People talk of writer's block, when they can't think of what to write. I rarely have that problem. I tend to have more ideas than I can ever truly explore. And so many of my plays are not complete, even after premiere performances. I see that there are significant weaknesses and that the scripts should be revised, but it is so much more interesting to move onto the next idea. The new idea. There is always something. Maybe it's just an image or a line, but there is an idea. I feel that I am wasting them. But I am so tired and I don't know how to get more energy.

Some days I even do the right things. I don't OD on caffeine. I eat reasonably well. I get 8+ hours of sleep. Lately, however, that isn't enough to keep me from feeling that I am in a constant fog. I worry about it. I ordered some B-complex vitamins. That's supposed to help. I'm assuming it can't hurt. I've been taking vitamins, which I would think should help, but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. Actually, I think this fog fell after I started taking the vitamins. Could vitamins be bad for me? I don't think so. It must be something else. Whatever it is, I want to get past it and resume my life.