What, me nervous?

The wedding is 10 days away. There are a few remaining things on my to do list, but they are manageable. I have no doubts about John and am excited about continuing our lives together. I'm not nervous. Or so I think.

I haven't slept well the last few nights. I wake up multiple times, which is unlike me. Is that because I'm nervous, or have I just been drinking too much coffee? Or is it the earthquake aftershocks since the beginning of my interupted sleep was the night I woke up because of the earthquake?

I had a weird dream last night. I'll call it "The Director's Nightmare." I was directing a show, but I hadn't read the script. It was apparently about Napoleon, who was being played by Vern Troyer. Apparently Mini-Me had gotten so into the role that he believed he actually was Napoleon. There were many actors in the room, and we were crammed around a table that was too small for the group. I don't remember all the actors or their roles, but I remember a large hairy man who was playing a "bear." A friend from Pittsburgh was the producer. He encouraged me to talk to people about pay as long as I stayed within budget. But I didn't know the budget. It was all very chaotic then everyone left. Including the people I had ridden their with. I had to walk back to work. (This was apparently happening in the middle of the day.)

So that's a weird dream. Not really a nightmare but certainly off-putting. Is it about the wedding? Does it mean I'm nervous? I don't know.

Mensa is not smart enough to know I'm not a member

I received this message from Mensa:

Happy birthday!
Aristotle is attributed with saying, "The energy of the mind is the essence of life." (And we tend to agree with him; after all, he's been voted into the American Mensa Hall of Fame.) In continuation of his thought -- and, of course, in celebration of your birthday -- we wish you an intellectually stimulating year and a long and energetic life.
With warmest regards and continued appreciation of your membership,
American Mensa

Dear Mensa,

Thanks for the birthday sentiment. You may, however, want to check your records. I quit your organization a year ago after realizing that I don't need your uninspired periodicals and frequent credit card offers to know that I'm smart. Your events are not fun because most Ms feel the need to prove intellectual superiority at all times, which makes for tedious discourse. Trust me, I have plenty of intellectual stimulating and thought provoking conversations with my friends, who are all very smart despite most not being official members of your group.

I'm old enough and confident enough to know that intellect is only interesting or significant if it is used well. A specific IQ number and membership in a group based on that number is pretty meaningless. Last year I became smart enough to stop paying for the privilege.

-Kim Z

Under two weeks

So it is now less than two weeks before my wedding. Other than the outburst about the guest break down (which I'm over now, thank you), I'm relatively calm. Which is what actually makes me a bit anxious.

It doesn't feel like less than two weeks. My mind hasn't grasped that yet. I still feel like there is plenty of time. Then I look at the calendar, and it's like..."oh, I better get some shit done."

Why is this? I don't know. Is this a problem? I don't know. It's just weird.

It's probably better that I'm not completely frazzled, but without urgency I'm afraid the days will slide by and I'll need to do a lot at the last minute.

Today is for productivity. Finish the programs. Meet with friends designing our CD labels. Follow-up with the last reply stragglers. Design and print our announcements. Print our table number cards. Polish my grandmother's necklace. Write escort cards.

Or at least some of that.

Oh, and tomorrow's my birthday. I don't feel that either.

It's a weird time. But I'm trying to enjoy it. Or at least be in a state so I can enjoy May 3rd. It will be a big day.

I a loner...and a baby

So I'm upset right now. Like crying upset. And it's stupid. And I know that. But I can't help it.

Two of my friends just canceled for the wedding. This prompted me to look closely at the overall guest list. John's friends and family are 2/3 of the guests. He has twice the number of people coming as I do.

On one hand, this makes sense. He's a very social person with a close family. I'm a bit of a loner with a widely dispersed and not close family.

Still, I can't help but think back to the fact that we invited almost the same number of people. That the final list is not because he invited more people, but that the people I invited had a higher rate of "regrets."

This may make sense, too. Many of my friends and some of my family are in theatre or other areas of the arts. They either don't have the money to travel, or they have shows. (Or one couple is due to have a baby pretty much the same time I'm getting married.)

I know these things. Still, it's upsetting. And I'm crying like a fool.

I was a pudgy, nerdy kid with low self-esteem. I was not popular. I had few friends. I finally have self-confidence. I do have good friends. Yet I look at these numbers on a spreadsheet, and I'm embarrassed. Like I should be ashamed. People joke that a wedding is all about the bride, right? Well, this one is not. It can't be. Most of the people aren't there to see me.

Yes. Many of John's friends would probably consider me a "mutual friend." But so would many of my friends for him.

I know it's not a contest. And most of the people who I am truly close with will be in attendance. But I'm suddenly very sad.

I hope this emotional outburst is just me getting it out of my system. I hope I won't be a mess for this or any other reason on my actual wedding day.

Don't bring me down, Bruce.

I'm not a negative person. I suppose I should respect the choice of those who are, but it irks me. Negativity is a toxin. Exposure to it is not good mentally or physically, so I begrudge those who force on me what I carefully try to avoid.

I'm not talking about people who are negative in the face of significant challenges or tragedies. Although I think a positive attitude can help under all circumstances, it takes a high degree of strength that I can't guarantee that I even I could muster under truly horrific circumstances. Those people have a justifiable reason to be negative. At least for a while.

What irks me are people who take a minor annoyance or inconvenience and turn it into a superlative spew of negativity. Everyone and everything is obviously against them; therefore, everyone and everything is hateful! This attitude is particularly aggravating when the incessant rants are about things that can be changed if the person rationally takes the time. But I suppose it's easier to be super negative about anything in life that isn't handed over to you just as you ordered with a bow and a nice note.

Life takes work.

I like to help people. I love to teach. When people rant about things I know how to fix I want to help them learn how to succeed, how to master whatever it is that has been thwarting them. But some people don't want to listen. They just want to rant. Why? In some cases, perhaps, it is just to blow off steam, but what of cases when the anger/frustration/despair is sincere and lasting? Are you looking for pity telling me this? Am I supposed to commiserate with you about how horrible unfair life is, particularly to you? Sorry, but in these cases I don't think I have the capability to do either.

I don't want to hear it. Yes, I'm your friend. I should want to hear your problems. But I'm sick of your inability to deal with what to most would be minor annoyances. And you're just depleting me as an available ear and shoulder. I hear so many of your overblown complaints that I have a hard time distinguishing when you are rightfully aggrieved. And you rarely are. Remember that story about the boy who cried wolf? I hate to say it, but your rants are full of imaginary wolves. One of these days there may be a real wolf. You'll lose your job or there will be a death in your family or something truly horrible and upsetting and scary. I hope not, but as positive as I am about day-to-day setbacks, I know that bad things do happen. I'm afraid that if something happens to you I won't answer the phone or open your email because I'll assume that you're fuming about nothing.

I want to be there for you, but I can't be your dumping ground. I take negative feelings very seriously. They make me want to do something. They run through my mind and exhaust me. I can't waste that energy on the minor inconveniences of your life. I'm sorry.

Look. You made me rant. I hate that.

16 Days

16 Days. That's just slightly over two weeks. That's all the time I have before the wedding. And it's starting to get hectic.

I'm a project manager by trade, and I think I've managed the wedding project pretty well. I have lists and spreadsheets and loyal helpers. Still, there is stuff that can't really be done until the attend (particularly until all the RSVPs are in...which still hasn't happened).

Plus, there are extra chaos things. My birthday is coming up. I don't mind birthdays, but this year it seems like an added distraction. John's birthday is right after the wedding, so I'm trying to get that taken care of ahead of time as well.

I also just learned that two retirement accounts I have from previous jobs will be "much more complicated" to roll over once I'm married. I'd like to get that taken care of, but it may just have to wait for the "much more complicated" option, particularly since I can't find my info for how to log into either system. Just an added thing.

And work is busy. I have a system going live tomorrow, but it's main test (end of month activities) will occur while I am away. I have to do my best to prepare everyone ahead of time. Another system we plan to go live next month, which means the inital activity in the system will occur when I am not here. I have to prepare those people as well.

Anything else? Who knows? Well, I do have to clean up my chaotic house a bit since some of our guests are staying there. When do they arrive? When do they leave? I don't know. That's another thing to check.

I'm not worried or nervous or having cold feet (at least not yet). I'm not even that frazzled. There is a lot to do, but it is manageable. It will just be a very busy 16 days. I'll definitely need a few days at the beach when it's done!

My kind of town (Chicago is)

A good friend of mine moved to Chicago last year shortly after I did. She just sent a rant about how much she hates the city and wants to go somewhere else. This was prompted in part by a horrible commute in which her train was stuck underground. Still, I can tell her that trains get stuck underground occasionally in other cities, too.

I love Chicago. Within my first few weeks of living here it felt like home. First, I find it extremely easy to get around. The trains and busses, although not as pretty as in DC, run frequently and along extremely useful corridors. The grid system of numbers makes it easy to find addresses because, for example, a 2400 address will always be just north of Fullerton. It’s highly logical and organized and I love that.

I love that things are always happening here. When I lived in Pittsburgh, non-natives that came there for school would complain that there wasn’t enough to do. At the time, I didn’t understanding. Having spent my early adult years in Pittsburgh with my high school years in Billings, MT and a small town in Arizona, there seemed to be things to do. Now, I understand what they meant. In Chicago there are so many things to do that you couldn’t possibly have the time or money to do them all. There are always all sorts of bands playing. Many plays in a broad range of genres. In summer, there are multiple festivals each weekend. And, of course, there are the things that are always there: the museums, the parks, the lake.

There is amazing food here of many styles and ethnicities. Most of it can be obtained for reasonable, if not cheap, prices. I’m lucky enough to live in a neighborhood where a lot of great restaurants are in walking distance.

I love that Chicago is truly a city but has cute little tree-lined neighborhoods.

Okay, the winter is rough. So I bought a hardcore winter coat and didn’t go outside as much. And, although inconvenient, the snow is beautiful.

I guess that not everywhere is for everyone. I know people who like DC; whereas, although I didn’t hate it, I was happy to leave. All I can hope is that everyone finds a place that makes them as comfortable as Chicago is to me.

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Yesterday was my bachelorette party day. 7 of us spent 3 hours at a day spa getting massages, facials, manicures, and pedicures while eating fruit & cheese and drinking wine. Then, for dinner, we went to Minnie's, where everything is miniaturized. After that we hung out at a bar for a while drinking and talking and playing one bad game of pool. Then four of us went back to an apartment and ordered pizza while we wound down. It was a great day and a lot of fun, mostly because I was in superb company.

The amazing thing about this is that I haven't really had a lot of close girlfriends since elementary school. For most of high school, college, and my 20s I had convinced myself that I didn't like women. At least most women. Sometimes I would have one close female friend, but typically I was one of the boys.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I see now that this was tied to the low self-esteem that I had in those times of my life. I had convinced myself that the true measure of a woman's worth was attention from men. As a result, women were the enemy. They were competition. Better to avoid them altogether.

It was easy to maintain this because I worked and studied in a male dominated field. When I got my master's degree in information security there were 12 people in the program. There was one other girl, but she was antisocial and rarely around. De facto I was The Girl. And I loved it. As I had always loved it.

After graduation I started to value the friendship of another woman who I had met in school who had been in another program. However, she was often busy, so we'd usually see each other once or twice a month. It was only when I came to Chicago that I found myself becoming close to multiple women.

Some of these women are the significant others of John's male friends. Some are the significant others of some of my male friends. One is my roommate from college with whom I've been happy to reconnect. We are a varied group by careers, marital-status, and styles. I value all of these women and the type of bond that I think can only exist among women.

John remains my best friend, but I find comfort and support in the company of these women. My life is so much fuller for having them in my life. I am so glad that I have become comfortable enough with myself that I don't have to compete with them. I can enjoy their strengths rather than be intimidated by them. And they have many strengths to enjoy.

And we are a hot bunch of chicks. Even sans make-up.

Spring!

It's been Spring for 3 days now. Okay, I know the calendar says it's been Spring for longer than that, but Chicago was a little slow to respond. And, although this is only my first year in the city, I know enough about Chicago weather to realize that Spring may not be here to stay. Still it's very nice.

On Saturday, the weather was lovely for walking around to check out party rooms in the area of the wedding. Our original after party location flaked out on us, but I think we are actually going to end up with a better location for the same money. So there!

On Sunday, we took the opportunity to sit on our balcony, drink beer, eat peanuts, play dominoes, and talk. Actually, it was a little chilly. We have a north facing balcony and without direct sunlight it was probably only in the low 50s. Still, with jackets it wasn't bad, although after few games we gave up and went back inside. Still, we did it. Soon we'll be able to sit outside all the time. Yay!

Today, I wore a light jacket and no gloves or hat for the first time in a long time. Even days that got warmer in the afternoons were still in the 30s on the morning commute, but today it was 50. Lovely.

Like I said, I realize that a cold front could come back any moment. I won't pack the sweaters and scarves yet. All I can do is enjoy each day as it comes, and these days have been quite enjoyable. If the weather can be like this for the wedding it will be wonderful!