Wedding Day Part 1: At the Hotel

The first of many overdue wedding posts:

Preparations at the Hotel

My day started early. I was awake at 4 AM. Not panicked. Not nervous. Just awake. This is ridiculous, I thought, I have a big day ahead of me. I need more sleep.

I tried to sleep more. I had a little success until 5:30. I thought, this is still obsessively early. I thought back to when I was a kid and I would wake up insanely early on Christmas morning. My parents wouldn’t let me wake them up until at least 6 AM. I decided I should try to sleep until 6.

The time from 5:30 to 5:45 took so long I couldn’t stand it. I had to get up. My maid-of-honor and a close friend who was serving as my wedding day coordinator were staying at the hotel with me. I would get up quietly as not to wake them. I would go to the bathroom then maybe do some yoga. But when I went into the bathroom the girls starting talking. Had I woken them? No, they were way too animated for that. It turns out we had all been awake for hours. No one wanted to wake anyone else.

Now, what? We didn’t want to get ready too quickly, but the hotel breakfast didn’t even start until 6:30. We talked for a while. My MOH (who also made and designed my dress) sewed a pocket of extra fabric in which she could carry tissues with her bouquet. (This will become important later.)

When 6:30 finally arrived we went downstairs and got breakfast. There was basically no one else there. We took our time eating. When we were bored with that, we grabbed some to go cups of coffee and OJ and went back upstairs.

We started getting ready but slowly. The photographer was going to show up a little after 9 to take pictures of us getting ready. We didn’t want to be completely done before that. Additionally, I tend to be the type of person who gets ready really early for big events then has to sit around waiting. I didn’t want to do that this time. I’d have to do enough waiting once I was at the wedding site.

We worked on hair and make-up and listened to a mix CD I had made for the girls. (When that CD was done we put on some Madonna and Prince.) The photographer showed up just when we were getting ready to make mimosas. (Remember that OJ we snagged from breakfast?) The photographer took pictures of us drinking from plastic Days Inn cups (very classy) and doing finishing touches on hair and make-up, then he went upstairs to take some pictures of the guys getting ready.

While the photographer was with the guys we got dressed. I shouldn’t have put my jewelry on before the dress, but as I’ve emphasized we were killing time. Unfortunately, I got a little snagged getting into my dress, and it f’ed up my hair a bit. It still looked okay, but it had looked better before. Oh, well.

After all the care taken to put on my dress I had to remind my MOH that she should get dressed too! Another friend came by to hang out and enjoy some mimosas. The photographer came back and took some final shots, such as my MOH putting on my veil. Then we were ready to head out for the restaurant.

Now, I’m not a completely traditional girl, but there are some things I really like. One of these is for the bride and groom not to see each other until the ceremony. I think that moment when they first see each other is a beautiful part of the day. I know some people do a special reveal ahead of time, but I feel like this is a part of the ceremony. I did not want John to see me before the wedding.

As planned, my friend who was organizing the day called the best man to let him know we were going to be on the move and that they should stay put, but he didn’t answer his phone. She tried their hotel room, but they didn’t answer there either. We were a bit anxious, not because we thought I’d been jilted but because we thought the guys might be at breakfast or something. We didn’t want to anticlimactically have the first time John saw me to be by randomly running into us in the hall. Luckily, we got a hold of the best man and found that they were walking by the lake, a safe distance away.

We went outside to catch a cab. My MOH lived in Pittsburgh for too long and does not adequately know how to hail a cab. We were planning to walk to the corner, but we saw a cab coming down the street we were on. My MOH timidly put her hand up from the middle of the sidewalk when the cab was a block away. That’s a good way to have a cab drive right passed you. So I, in full-length dress and veil stepped right to curb and put my arm out. At that moment the wind picked up and billowed out my veil. It happened so quickly that I don’t know if the photographer got the shot but I hope so.

To be continued...

What, me nervous?

The wedding is 10 days away. There are a few remaining things on my to do list, but they are manageable. I have no doubts about John and am excited about continuing our lives together. I'm not nervous. Or so I think.

I haven't slept well the last few nights. I wake up multiple times, which is unlike me. Is that because I'm nervous, or have I just been drinking too much coffee? Or is it the earthquake aftershocks since the beginning of my interupted sleep was the night I woke up because of the earthquake?

I had a weird dream last night. I'll call it "The Director's Nightmare." I was directing a show, but I hadn't read the script. It was apparently about Napoleon, who was being played by Vern Troyer. Apparently Mini-Me had gotten so into the role that he believed he actually was Napoleon. There were many actors in the room, and we were crammed around a table that was too small for the group. I don't remember all the actors or their roles, but I remember a large hairy man who was playing a "bear." A friend from Pittsburgh was the producer. He encouraged me to talk to people about pay as long as I stayed within budget. But I didn't know the budget. It was all very chaotic then everyone left. Including the people I had ridden their with. I had to walk back to work. (This was apparently happening in the middle of the day.)

So that's a weird dream. Not really a nightmare but certainly off-putting. Is it about the wedding? Does it mean I'm nervous? I don't know.

Under two weeks

So it is now less than two weeks before my wedding. Other than the outburst about the guest break down (which I'm over now, thank you), I'm relatively calm. Which is what actually makes me a bit anxious.

It doesn't feel like less than two weeks. My mind hasn't grasped that yet. I still feel like there is plenty of time. Then I look at the calendar, and it's like..."oh, I better get some shit done."

Why is this? I don't know. Is this a problem? I don't know. It's just weird.

It's probably better that I'm not completely frazzled, but without urgency I'm afraid the days will slide by and I'll need to do a lot at the last minute.

Today is for productivity. Finish the programs. Meet with friends designing our CD labels. Follow-up with the last reply stragglers. Design and print our announcements. Print our table number cards. Polish my grandmother's necklace. Write escort cards.

Or at least some of that.

Oh, and tomorrow's my birthday. I don't feel that either.

It's a weird time. But I'm trying to enjoy it. Or at least be in a state so I can enjoy May 3rd. It will be a big day.

I a loner...and a baby

So I'm upset right now. Like crying upset. And it's stupid. And I know that. But I can't help it.

Two of my friends just canceled for the wedding. This prompted me to look closely at the overall guest list. John's friends and family are 2/3 of the guests. He has twice the number of people coming as I do.

On one hand, this makes sense. He's a very social person with a close family. I'm a bit of a loner with a widely dispersed and not close family.

Still, I can't help but think back to the fact that we invited almost the same number of people. That the final list is not because he invited more people, but that the people I invited had a higher rate of "regrets."

This may make sense, too. Many of my friends and some of my family are in theatre or other areas of the arts. They either don't have the money to travel, or they have shows. (Or one couple is due to have a baby pretty much the same time I'm getting married.)

I know these things. Still, it's upsetting. And I'm crying like a fool.

I was a pudgy, nerdy kid with low self-esteem. I was not popular. I had few friends. I finally have self-confidence. I do have good friends. Yet I look at these numbers on a spreadsheet, and I'm embarrassed. Like I should be ashamed. People joke that a wedding is all about the bride, right? Well, this one is not. It can't be. Most of the people aren't there to see me.

Yes. Many of John's friends would probably consider me a "mutual friend." But so would many of my friends for him.

I know it's not a contest. And most of the people who I am truly close with will be in attendance. But I'm suddenly very sad.

I hope this emotional outburst is just me getting it out of my system. I hope I won't be a mess for this or any other reason on my actual wedding day.

16 Days

16 Days. That's just slightly over two weeks. That's all the time I have before the wedding. And it's starting to get hectic.

I'm a project manager by trade, and I think I've managed the wedding project pretty well. I have lists and spreadsheets and loyal helpers. Still, there is stuff that can't really be done until the attend (particularly until all the RSVPs are in...which still hasn't happened).

Plus, there are extra chaos things. My birthday is coming up. I don't mind birthdays, but this year it seems like an added distraction. John's birthday is right after the wedding, so I'm trying to get that taken care of ahead of time as well.

I also just learned that two retirement accounts I have from previous jobs will be "much more complicated" to roll over once I'm married. I'd like to get that taken care of, but it may just have to wait for the "much more complicated" option, particularly since I can't find my info for how to log into either system. Just an added thing.

And work is busy. I have a system going live tomorrow, but it's main test (end of month activities) will occur while I am away. I have to do my best to prepare everyone ahead of time. Another system we plan to go live next month, which means the inital activity in the system will occur when I am not here. I have to prepare those people as well.

Anything else? Who knows? Well, I do have to clean up my chaotic house a bit since some of our guests are staying there. When do they arrive? When do they leave? I don't know. That's another thing to check.

I'm not worried or nervous or having cold feet (at least not yet). I'm not even that frazzled. There is a lot to do, but it is manageable. It will just be a very busy 16 days. I'll definitely need a few days at the beach when it's done!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Yesterday was my bachelorette party day. 7 of us spent 3 hours at a day spa getting massages, facials, manicures, and pedicures while eating fruit & cheese and drinking wine. Then, for dinner, we went to Minnie's, where everything is miniaturized. After that we hung out at a bar for a while drinking and talking and playing one bad game of pool. Then four of us went back to an apartment and ordered pizza while we wound down. It was a great day and a lot of fun, mostly because I was in superb company.

The amazing thing about this is that I haven't really had a lot of close girlfriends since elementary school. For most of high school, college, and my 20s I had convinced myself that I didn't like women. At least most women. Sometimes I would have one close female friend, but typically I was one of the boys.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I see now that this was tied to the low self-esteem that I had in those times of my life. I had convinced myself that the true measure of a woman's worth was attention from men. As a result, women were the enemy. They were competition. Better to avoid them altogether.

It was easy to maintain this because I worked and studied in a male dominated field. When I got my master's degree in information security there were 12 people in the program. There was one other girl, but she was antisocial and rarely around. De facto I was The Girl. And I loved it. As I had always loved it.

After graduation I started to value the friendship of another woman who I had met in school who had been in another program. However, she was often busy, so we'd usually see each other once or twice a month. It was only when I came to Chicago that I found myself becoming close to multiple women.

Some of these women are the significant others of John's male friends. Some are the significant others of some of my male friends. One is my roommate from college with whom I've been happy to reconnect. We are a varied group by careers, marital-status, and styles. I value all of these women and the type of bond that I think can only exist among women.

John remains my best friend, but I find comfort and support in the company of these women. My life is so much fuller for having them in my life. I am so glad that I have become comfortable enough with myself that I don't have to compete with them. I can enjoy their strengths rather than be intimidated by them. And they have many strengths to enjoy.

And we are a hot bunch of chicks. Even sans make-up.

And now for an inappropriate toast.

On Saturday night we hosted a wedding reception for two friends who got married in a private ceremony on February 29. The groom's best friend gave a toast as a de facto best man (since he and his wife were the only witnesses to the wedding...well, that and the rent-a-Jew they had to hire since they needed a Jew to sign the ketubah). It was nice that he wanted to give the toast. It started out okay, not brilliant or clever but okay. Then, it made it's turn for the inappropriate.

I may not be Emily Post, but I have some thoughts on appropriate wedding toasts, which may or may not mirror the formal etiquette books.

1) I believe that in a wedding toast there should be no reference made to exes. Not at all. Just like how many of us brides choose to wear white and our friends will accept that bit of costumed purity despite what they may know better, I feel it is best to pretend that there has never been anyone other than the person to whom someone is being married. Not that I think people should deny their pasts, but on that day, at that moment, the newlyweds are the only couple about which anyone should be thinking.

2) Of course an ex can't be discussed in a positive light lest it detract from the partner, as a result if an ex is mentioned it is probably in an insulting way (such as not being as good is some/all ways than the betrothed). I think there are sincerer ways to flatter the bride than to say she's better than the ex-girlfriends, but maybe some people are more comfortably with flattery via contrast. Because of this, if a toaster chooses to mention an ex he should not do so if that person is in the room.

3) Okay, if he has to bring up and insult the ex while the ex is in the room, at least don't call attention to the fact that the ex is in the room.

4) Finally, if you must bring up the ex, insult the ex while she is the room, and call out the fact that the ex is there, at least have the decorum not to do so when you are a guest in her house!

Yes, I dated the groom. And yes, the "best man" chose to do all the above in his toast. And lest you try to write it off as him being a bit drunk when he gave the toast, he was, but he also had the toast TYPED out ahead of time. He was reading it. I believe that pointing out that it's a "tough room when one of the exes is right here" may have been off the cuff, but the part leading up to that seemed to be a part of the plan.

When he said this I didn't want to say anything lest I make any awkwardness that anyone else may have been feeling worse. (I myself was feeling very awkward indeed.) Luckily, a good friend chimed in with a patently sassy comment. Something like "Okay, I'm sorry I slept with him!" Others took the hint and a handful of others (female and male) made similar proclamations thus successfully restoring the rightful levity of the occasion.

The toaster seemed unfazed, so perhaps he was pleased with the response.

I've been on enough wedding sites and seen enough tv to know that there have been far worse toast made at other weddings, but perhaps just because of my association with it, this is the worst faux pas I've seen in a best man toast.

Luckily, the moment passed, and the night was a success. Still, I look back on that toast, and it just irks me.

Am I worried about the toasts at my wedding? Heck no. Our best man has a job that requires him to give speeches to all sorts of audiences, and I've seen him in action as a best man before. Although he's definitely will spout colorful barbs in close company, he knows how to be appropriate to the situation. He'll be eloquent and sweet and proper. As for my maid of honor, well, that's the friend who spoke up first to ease the tension of the toast. She understands.

Trashing More Than Dresses

In researching wedding photography I have discovered a phenomenon of which I was not previously aware: the "trash the dress" photo session. One or more days after the wedding the bride (with or without her groom) meets with a photographer and poses for a bunch of artsy photos that will ultimately destroy her wedding dressing. Activities may include crawling across the ground or swimming in a lake. The supposed idea behind this is that the dress won't be worn again, so the bride might as well have some fun with it.

Okay, I'll admit that some of the "trash the dress" photos I've seen have been pretty cool. Still, I find this tradition disturbing on a few levels:

1. As though the the price many women pay for their dresses weren't excessively wasteful enough, now they are literally turning the dress to trash. That dress could be donated through one of a variety of charities that provide dresses to those who would not have the means to have one. Or, slightly less charitably, the dress could be sold to someone who doesn't mind a pre-worn dress in exchange for a more reasonable price. Even the idea of preserving the dress (although usually it is never worn again) at least has the prospect of reuse. In a world where we use once then throw away so many items, "trash the dress" is one more example.
2. Maybe it's the writer in me, but I do see symbolism in things. In addition to the chance that one's daughter or granddaughter might where it, the other reason women preserved their dresses is because their wedding dresses were special to them. Preserving the dress meant preserving that day. It keeps the wedding day important, significant, and cherished. What does trashing the dress do?

Of course, maybe this is just tied to the recent trends in dramatic wedding photography. My grandfather was a professional photographer for many years and did hundreds, probably thousands of weddings. Wedding portraits were a few set shots taken quickly (usually on the chapel alter). The time was so short that the guests could actually linger outside with rice and not be completely bored. Most of the photos from the day were to record the actual events of the day: the ceremony, the cake-cutting, the dancing. Those were more important than a bunch of poses.

But then people wanted to get artsy. They wanted their wedding photographs taken in every scenic spot in or around where they were getting married. The extensive list of required shots combined with the travel time led to a trend in long, tedious (for the guests) gaps between ceremonies and receptions.

From that came a new trend (that my mother, in particular, really hates). Since couples didn't want their guests to have to wait while the pictures are being taken, they started doing the pictures before the ceremony. Although I'm not into superstitions, I still like the idea of my groom and I seeing each other for the first time as I walk down the aisle.

I don't like the posed wedding shots. It's good to have a few of the portrait style, but it is the day I want to remember. I'm not trying to be a model. I don't need an album full of me and John, no matter how good we may look on that day (and I do intend to look good).

Some friends of mine eloped to Mexico last year. They hired an officiant and a photographer. They have an album full of beautiful, really gorgeous pictures of the the two of them on the beach. The pictures are truly stunning. They could easily appear in bridal magazines. But they also made me a bit sad. They were beautiful, but they were alone. That's not what I want.

I want pictures of us, but I also want pictures of our friends and family. Hopefully they will be pictures of everyone happy and having a good time. I want pictures that chronicle details that I may have missed. I want pictures that remind me of my favority moments. Although I hope that pictures of me are generally flattering I don't need vanity shots. Trust me. I'm vain enough.

Luckily, there seems to be somewhat of a counter-trend to what was described above. Many wedding photographers, including the one I hired specialize in "photojournalist" style. This emphasizes candid and semi-candid moments over poses. It emphasizes real events. Sure, we'll have some portraits taken. We're doing them at the ceremony site. Since the reception is at the same site our guests will start cocktail hour. We intend to be able to join them for at least half of that.

I know the argument for the extravagence and the vanity is that you only have this "one day." I would remind brides that that "one day" is supposed to be a commencement not a stand alone event. I think there should be a trend toward smaller weddings and bigger anniversary parties. Every anniversary should justify a bigger, more extravagence. Heck, if through some miracle of longevity John and I make it 50 years together, I will happily blow large portion of our kids'/grandkids' inheritance to have the best party of our lives. Sorry, kids.

I apologize to anyone who many read this who has an album full of dramatic portraits from their wedding day or who may have a details depiction of a wedding dress being artfully destroyed. That's your perogative. You have to do what makes you happy. That's just not what does it for me.

PS-I'm spending $500 on my attire (dress, shoes, accessories). Even at that "bargain" price, I have no intention of trashing my dress.