Year/Decade in Review

There was a meme on Twitter for #oneline09, summarizing 2009 in one line. I wrote this:
Became a mom: lost sleep, lost free time, found more love than I ever imagined.

That pretty well summed up the highlights. We traveled around a bit showing off that baby. On a sad note, I lost my grandfather in February and my grandmother in August, but at 90 and 89 their passings were clearly drawing near.

Some have pointed out that the decade doesn't officially change for another year, but since a decade is just a series of 10 years I think we can look back whenever. So, like others, this seems like a good time to do a quick recap of my life since 2000. And wow, has this been quite a decade of change.

In 2000 I lived in Pittsburgh. Since then I moved to Arlington, VA (working in Washington, D.C.), and I now live in Chicago.

In 2000 I left my job of 6+ years for a job that I would be laid off from a year later. I got another job where I worked for 2 years before going back to school for to get my Master's of Science in Information Security Policy and Management. After that came a new job. (The one that made me move to the D.C.-area.) And when I decided to move to Chicago that was enabled by yet another job still.

Oh, why did I decide to move to Chicago? Because my now husband and I wanted to move here. In 2000 I wasn't even dating anyone seriously. I got into a relationship in 2001 that dissolved in 2004. In 2005 I met my now husband. We moved halfway across the country together, got married, and this year we had a son. In 2000 I wasn't even thinking about children.

It's hard to imagine but in 2000 I wasn't a playwright. I was acting, directing, choreographing and producing, but I didn't start playwriting until 2003 when I wrote a play on a whim that got selected and produced at the Gemini New Play Festival. After that I was hooked. I've only acted once since then, but I've had enough play productions that it would take me a while to figure out the total number in order to include it here. I've even (rarely) gotten some money as a result.

It's amazing that all that and more have been crammed into the last 10 years. Part of me sort of hopes that the next 10 years will be a bit more stable, but somehow I doubt that will be the case.

One week until Christmas?!?

Wow. This year has flown by. You'd think that newborn-induced lack of sleep would make it seem longer. Well, it's time to finish getting ready for Christmas and start thinking about what will be on my uberlist for next year. (I didn't do one this year because I had no idea what I'd be able to handle with a new baby.) I'll also do my year in review, although I already did it in one line on Twitter:

Became a mom: lost sleep, lost free time, found more love than I ever imagined.

Update: TMI edition

WARNING: This post contains what is probably too much information for many people. Biological information. Woman biological information. No, this is worse than the usual breastfeeding news, although there is some of that, too. This is of a more *monthly* variety. Yes, THAT female information. Stop reading now. I warned you.

Oh, are you still here? Anyway...

I'm still breastfeeding. A little. The critter latches on well first thing in the morning. Occasionally, he'll breastfeed if he is very tired or upset. Generally though he's don't with that. He is starting to hold his own bottle, and he eats three small pureed meals a day. He's a big boy. I'm still pumping though. Those few times that I get to breastfeed are worth it.

I guess it's because of the decreased breastfeeding (although my milk still seems to be holding steady), but I...remember, I warned you...I'm menstruating again. For the first time since June 2008! Let me tell you I sure didn't miss it. This forced me to buy tampons for the first time in a long time. Things have changed in 16 months! My preferred brand has changed it's packaging and...gosh...were they always that expensive?

Anyway, I was getting used to not having this particular womanly event, so it's weird to have it again. Was that too much information? Hey, I warned you.

Off My Meds

I finally ran out of the domperidone that I had been taking to increase my breastmilk supply. I don't know what is going to happen now.

After finding out that my insurance wouldn't pay for it, I had a big decision to make. By that time he was 3 months old, and I was back at work. I decided that, as directed for going off the med, I would slowly decrease my dose until my milk supply began to decrease. At that point, I would stick with that dose until I ran out of pills. I knew that some people could go off the meds and maintain supply, but I also knew that some people cannot. Generally, the supply can't be regained once lost. I decided that I was prepared to take that risk.

I gradually decreased from 10 pills a day. I would subtract one pill and wait a few days. When there was no change I'd remove another pill. I eventually got down to 3 pills a day (the minimum dose). The amount I pumped each day at work had stayed level at 8 ounces, so I continued to take 3.

A little over a week ago I finally ran out of the pills. Coming to the end was really scary. I knew that breastfeeding to 7 months isn't too bad, and I enjoyed my time doing it. Still, I was scared to lose that connection with my boy.

He has begun breastfeeding less frequently. He'll latch on well first thing in the morning when he's very hungry and I'm very full. Most other times of day he'll squirm and cry if I try to put him on the boob, even if he's hungry and will subsequently chug down a bottle. My pumping has decreased to about 6 ounces a day.
Maybe his feeding is slowing down because my supply is decreasing. Maybe my supply is decreasing because he is slowing down. Maybe it is just his time to wean. I don't know.

I keep trying. Sometimes, the critter will surprise me with some good breastfeeding. Sometimes, I pump an extra ounce. But I'm not confident that I will be able to breastfeed for much longer. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but it will make me sad when I have to stop.

Things I will miss about breastfeeding:
the closeness I feel with my boy;
the way he looks up at me when he's feeding;
the way he plays with his feet when he's feeding;
the strange wonder of being able to make milk (albeit not a lot);
and, okay yeah, the bigger boobs.

There are, however, things I won't miss about breastfeeding:
pumping;
nursing pads;
and if this ends soon, I won't be sad to miss out on breastfeeding a baby with teeth!

For now, I'm going to keep going as best I can.

A lot of loss

My son was born this year, and that has been awesome. Unfortunately, the rest of the year has been a whole lot of suck for my mom's side of the family. My grandfather died in February. My grandmother on the same side died in August. Now, in October, the dam was washed out at my grandparents' place (now cared for by my parents) thus eliminating the beautiful lake on which the house sat and leaving only a small creek and a lot of mud. I'd like to think the losses are over, but my mom also inherited my grandfather's very old German Sheppard, who is very slow and nearly blind.

"Turn, turn, turn," I know. But it is hard to have so much taken away in one year. Although I realized that nothing is forever, I was hoping the critter would have more opportunities to hang out with his great-grandparents by a serene lake while petting a big, friendly dog. (His great-grandfather died two weeks before he was born, but his great-granny did get to meet him once.)

A Tired Mommy Morning

For the first time in a long time I was too tired. Since having the baby, I am often (constantly?) tired, but I usually work through it. This morning I could not.

Perhaps it's because after a long stretch of sleeping through the night fairly consistently the critter has woken up for 5 nights in a row. His best nights in this series involve being completely awake at 4 a.m. On Saturday he was up at 1 and stayed up until 2:30.

Last night was a 4 a.m. night. Not bad, but I think the cumulative effects of this series of nights got to me. I was actually fine at 4. I fed him and rocked him for over an hour. Then I washed the bottles that we had left the night before. (This was the wrong choice since it woke up the hubby. Sorry, babe.) Then I went back to bed. Fine.

It was when the critter woke up a little before 7 that got to me. Usually, I get up and am tired, but once I see my smiling boy I am somehow able to get to active mothering. This morning that didn't work. For the first time since month one or two, I just couldn't find the strength to do it. I changed his diaper, put him in his pack n play, and lay down on the couch.

I couldn't sleep while he was playing, but knowing that he was contained and safe let me rest my eyes and my mind at least a bit.

He played for almost an hour before getting fussy. Investigation showed that cause was a very poopy diaper, which I took care of. Then I put him back in his box for a little while, but he was ready to be out. Luckily, an hour of moderate neglect gave me the boost I needed to become my usual mommy self. I let him wriggle long enough to prepare myself some coffee and breakfast. Then, I let him go free range under my supervision and participation.

A nap was a long time coming. After feeding him, I put him down to rest, but another poopy diaper disrupted any hope at sleep. After taking care of that, there was a little more playing, a little more eating, and a little more fussing before he finally fell asleep. I should probably take this opportunity to return to the newborn advice to "sleep when my baby sleeps," but I'm awake now. I can do exciting things like blog and brush my teeth.

Okay, so I only struggled for an hour, but it was a long hour. It's a good thing that today is my day off. Of course, if it weren't my day off I would have tagged my husband in the middle of the night, which might have prevented some of my exhaustion. All I know is that I'm hoping that the critter learns to sleep through the night again. And soon.

A Passive Aggressive View of Web Publishing

I turned of the RSS feed that sent my blog posts directly to Facebook. (Or at least I think I did. We'll see if they randomly show up.)

I found myself not wanting to post things because of I didn't want them posted on Facebook. Sure, this is a public blog. Anyone on Facebook could read it. But there is a big difference between putting something out there where people can choose to go and read it and having that same content post to a "wall" that it essentially sent out to people with the implicit message of "Hey! Read this!" When I want to talk about personal things, like the continued status of my breastfeeding challenges, I feared that many of my Facebook connections would have an "Ew! Too much information!" reaction; whereas, those who choose to find me hear follow at their own peril. If this is too much information, it is information that you chose to find. And it is your choice whether you want to return to read again or not.

If there is something I deem appropriate for my entire social networking circle, I can choose to repost, but the experiment with an automatic feed has proven too public for me. I prefer to hide in plain sight like the wallflower I once was.

On the Mommy Track

I’ve always considered myself a career-woman. Sure, I may have sometimes slowed my career (and earnings) in exchange for changes in specialty and employment sector, but I was always focused on being successful in my professional life. Even as recently as my maternity leave I applied for another position in search of greater challenges and visibility.

That most recent job pursuit resulted in three rounds of interviews. In that last round, I was one of two finalists (down from 20 candidates for the initial phone interview and who knows how many applicants). In the end, they chose the other person. I was disappointed, of course! Who doesn’t want people to think they are the best person for a job? But I was also a bit relieved. By the time the choice was made I had been back to work for several weeks and was increasingly unhappy about the time my job kept me away from the critter. A new job would mean a learning curve that would likely result in longer hours. The greater degree of responsibility would like mean that those longer hours would likely persist.

Another mommy had pointed out that with 50 hours a week in daycare the critter spent most of his waking hours there. That was a very depressing thought. On weekends I didn’t want to do anything without the baby because I was acutely aware of how limited that time was. My personal self began to atrophy due to the lack of time when I wasn’t caring for the baby. I was exhausted. Something had to change.

So, starting this week, I will be a part-time SAHM. I start working 3 days a week, which gives me 2 extra days with my boy and a lot of extra breathing room to occasionally do things on my own without feeling guilty for being away. By working part time (rather than staying at home full time), I’ll still get the satisfaction of my professional accomplishments, contributing to the household income, and just having a reason to know what day of the week it is. I am hopeful that this will be the perfect balance for me.

I am extremely grateful to my wonderful husband whose support (both personally and financially) is making this possible. I am truly a very lucky woman.

So, will this adjustment affect my future career opportunities? I hope not, but I realize it might. That’s okay. My priority is my boy. For all my accomplishments both professionally and artistically, this critter is the project that by far brings me the most joy. I never expected to not continue working full time, but I never expected to love motherhood this much. It is the most amazing thing I've ever done.

Pitchfork Recap

The critter went to his first concert on Sunday. Well, that would be his first post-natal concert since many concerts were part of our pre-natal flurry of activity. But baby's first concert will be recorded as day 3 of the Pitchfork festival.

I had been excited about the prospect when we got the tickets. Then I got even more excited when they started announcing the Sunday bands, which included The Thermals, The Walkmen, and The Flaming Lips. However, as the date approached I became nervous about the logistics of the day. Because of the critter and all his gear it would be best to drive, but would we ever find a parking space? The Flaming Lips didn't go on until 8:40 PM by which time the critter is usually in bed. How would that impact his sleep cycle? We wanted to arrive by The Thermals at 4:15, making for a long day. Would the critter be fussy? Would there be a massive poopy diaper to have to clean up on a blanket in a field? How would the critter tolerate having his ear protection on all day?

Luckily, it all turned out okay.

The critter was calm. He napped a little when we wandered around after The Walkmen. He fell asleep for good during The Flaming Lips and barely stirred on the move to the car, a diaper change, putting on his sleep sack, or putting him in his crib. And he slept through the night.

As far as enjoying the concert, which is why we were there, it was a good time. Because of the critter we stayed a bit further back than we normally would, but that was okay. The sound wasn't great (and you could hear music from the B stage when listening to someone on A or C). Still, it was nice to be outside listening to music. We drank some beer and had some great curry.

We left about an hour into The Flaming Lips' set. The critter was fine, but mom and dad were getting tired. (It was a school night!) Plus, we knew it would be easier to get the stroller out if we left before the crowd. We moved to the perimeter of the crowd, but decided to stay to see what the next song would be. This turned out to be a great decision. The song was "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots," which has special meaning for us. A piano and standing bass played it for my processional at our wedding. :-)

Waking Hours

The critter woke up last night. For weeks he's been sleeping through the night or pretty close to it, but last night was not like that.

He woke up around 2:30 a.m. His diaper was very wet and had leaked. I changed him. He was very awake, so I fed him. I had forgotten how peaceful it was to feed him at night in the rocking chair. I haven't done that since going back to work. Once he was drowsy, I set him down in the crib and went back to bed.

He woke again around 4:30 a.m. This time I let hubby get up. He fed the critter a bottle then brought him back to our bed.

About an hour later as hubby and I were getting up and ready for work the critter was still asleep. I watched him before I got up. He was peaceful. But as I was getting ready, he seemed to be having a very sad baby dream. He was still asleep, but he was wimpering and sniffling. It was sort of cute but also quite pitiful. When he woke up he cried loudly. Different cries sound different. This was a very sad cry. This was a very sad critter.

I fed him in the big chair. That calmed him. That's one of my favorite things about breastfeeding: the power to calm the critter when he is distressed. I'll be needing the power again tonight. It's his 4 month well-baby visit, and there are going to be a lot of shots.

Oh, I'm sure the doctor will ask if the critter is sleeping through the night. I'll have to say "Well..."

A morning out of sorts

Our ritual this morning was different, and I'm still not feeling quite right.

It's the daycare lady's vacation, so Granny Z is in for critter duty. This changed what needed to be done in the morning and by whom, which (particularly before having a significant amount of coffee) was enough to seriously throw me off my game.

Theoretically, the morning was a lot easier. For one, I didn't have to carry so much stuff to the car. I also didn't have to eat breakfast while breastfeeding, and I could leave for work a little later since I didn't have to stop at daycare.

On the other hand, it took a lot of thinking to figure out whether I had everything I needed since I had so little to actually take with me. I also ran around like a crazy person reminding my mom where everything was from hats for the critter to lunches for her. I spent all morning not quite knowing what I needed to do. Hopefully, I'll get more relaxed as the week goes on. (Just in time to return to the old ritual on Monday!)

It didn't help that the critter was particularly cute and snuggly this morning. It's hard to leave him regardless of who is taking care of him.

Dead links

I actually have a few notes on a potential play dealing with how web accounts live on after a person dies, but I've just had my first personal brush with the phenomenon.

I found out that one of my professional contacts on LinkedIn passed away several weeks ago. Naturally, his LinkedIn profile does not indicate this, even in the "What are you working on now?" box. I doubt his family will worry about about removing his profile, even if they know it is out there. As a result, my professional network is likely to include a dead man for quite a while.

Unless Kim Deal is standing behind me, there is no "Kim D" here

I knew it would happen someday. Today I was called "Kim D" for the first time.

At the Bikram studio, when there are multiple people with the same name, they refer to people by their first name and last initial. I don't know if it's because she's new or if it's because I'm not normally at the Friday morning class, but this was the first time I've practiced with another Kim. So I was "Kim D."

I have been "Kim Z" for so long the combination feels like my first name. To closer friends I have been "Kimmy Z" as well. (Never just "Kimmy." Never. Ever.) Even since I've gotten married I am still Kim Z to a lot of people. It is my attachment to my zed that inspired me to use it as my middle initial when I changed my name. I remain Kim Z.

But at the Bikram studio they've only known me since I've been married. They naively think of my initial as being the first letter of my last name. They don't know how foreign that sounds to me.

I'm sure I'll have to be Kim D again sometime. Probably at the yoga studio but in other places as well. Perhaps I'll get used to it, but it won't change the fact that I am now, and always will be, Kim Z.

A sea of changes rather than sea change

Before having a child of my own I thought of developmental milestones as a finite list of significant acts: rolling over, crawling, walking talking. But watching the critter keeps me amazed at the many subtle changes that I hadn’t thought about before. I remember how he used to root around headfirst with his arms just hanging limp. Then, he started to flail his arms, occasionally hitting a toy by luck. Then, he learned to grip. Now, he willfully bats at his toys and delights in their spinning and swinging.

The same goes for his voice. He still has a long way to go before his first word, but he has become so expressive with sounds other than just crying. I wish I knew what he was saying, but I love to watch how happy “talking” makes him. Yesterday he discovered that he has the ability to make a very high and loud squeaking sound. I’ll admit that the sound was not the most pleasant, but it was fun to see him delight in his discovery.

A friend told me that watching a baby is like watching the ocean. I think I know what she meant. Both are constantly changing. Both are calming. Both make me happy. Of course, I don’t live by the ocean, but Lake Michigan is a good stand in. This weekend I am likely to, at some point, be watching both my baby and the lake. How wonderful!

This is mostly a test

This is to see what happens with my RSS feed to Facebook. Yesterday I added that, and it posted my last 24 posts! It's not a big deal since they are public anyway, but it was not what I intended to do. I tried to delete them (So people wouldn't think, "WTF? Why is she posting all this?), but they kept coming back. I'll see what happens when I create some I post something new.

I've been fighting the Facebook thing for some time now. Partly because of concerns about the misappropriaton of my personal information. Partly because I didn't want to take the time.

As for the privacy concerns, I am paying close attention to my privacy settings, including using suggestions from articles on Facebook privacy such as this and this. Plus, as with all my online activities, I try to avoid posting anything that would be particularly damaging even if someday found by someone outside the intended audience.

As for the time, we'll see how that goes. With the critter there is even less of what used to be free time, so I'm striving for balance. (I already put a filter on my Gmail to have Facebook notifications skip the inbox and go into a facebook folder. That way I'm not constantly being pinged, but I still have a way to check on Facebook activity without having to go to the site.)

I will say that it's nice to connect to people with whom I haven't been in touch for a while. Also, many friends of friends have been using Facebook as a primary mode of communication, so it's nice to be in the loop.

Longest sleep yet!

The little one slept through the night. He slept from 9 PM until just as I was getting up to feed him. Sadly, on my current schedule that’s 5:30 AM, but that’s a lot more palatable when I wasn’t just up at 4 AM.

Okay. So I still woke up at 4 AM, but I was slightly more calm about it than I was last time.

The morning feeding was thrown off a bit by this new development. Normally, his dad feeds him a bottle while I am in the shower, and I finish off with breastfeeding right before we head to daycare. This morning I decided to feed him off the breast first. I hadn't breastfed or pumped since 8 PM, so I was really full. I make so little milk that I can't stand to see any go down the shower drain, so I fed him just enough to stop the leaking. That made him less interested in the bottle when dad tried to feed him. Then, when I would normally do the last minute breastfeeding, he wasn't interested in the breast but took the rest of his bottle. I warned the daycare lady that his schedule will likely be a bit off today. I'll happily figure out a new morning feeding routine if it means sleeping through the night becomes a the norm!

I’m still tired though.

Got: Spray Pancakes

As follow up from my previous post, I should mention that we did try the aerosol pancakes this weekend.

Apparently, the Batter Blaster is available at all the major supermarkets in our area. Who knew? (Enter your zip code to find sources near you.) We had a friend visiting from DC for the weekend, so it seemed like a good time to experiment with this crazy product.

Our friend actually did the cooking. She said it was a bit hard to control the size and placement of the pancakes. Still, she managed to make quite a few. The first ones varied between undercooked and overcooked, but I find it takes a while to get the pan temperature correct with any sort of pancakes.

They tasted good. They tasted like pancakes. Didn't notice anything better or worse than pancakes from a mix, although these are organic.

Probably the best thing about this product is it would be really easy to make pancakes for one person. Everything is ready to go in the fridge so you just need to heat up a pan. Then the rest can go back in the refrigerator. Plus there's no mess to clean up (other than the pan).

And I'm still a playwright...

I haven't done any playwriting since December. I haven't submitted many of my finished plays either, particularly since the critter was born. I do still consider myself a playwright; it just hasn't been the focus of my life (and, therefore, of this blog).

My folks did give me a heads up on a festival seeking submissions down by them in Georgia. They wanted email submissions, so it was easy to send a couple of scripts off to them.

The festival director just called to let me know that they want to both plays. It's a one-night only of staged readings, but it's at least a production credit. I haven't had any work produced since january

Shameless self promotion post coming soon (when I get more details).

Talkin' Derby

We took the critter to his first roller derby this weekend. At first it seemed like it would be the definition of "overstimulation." He going to be out past his bedtime, and he was fascinated by the lighted messages that scroll around the UIC Pavillion and often startled by the announcers ("And your lead jammer is...!"). But by the time it got to the championship bout he had fallen asleep and stayed that way for most of the first half, the halftime show, and some of the second half.


(He was awake for the exciting conclusion when the underdog Manic Attackers came from behind to take the 2009 Ivy King Cup over the Hells Belles!)

WHO can't sleep through the night?

I awoke at 4:10. I don't know if I woke up because I'm used to being awake at that hour, or if I woke up because my breasts were so full and hard with milk. I did not wake up because I heard the baby. The baby was silent.

That's good, right? Usually, on a good night, he goes to bed around 9 PM and then wakes up for a feeding between 3 and 4 AM. Sleeping longer is good, right? Only if I can sleep too.

I stared at the clock, listening to the silence of the baby monitor. I couldn't help worrying if he was alright. After all, he fussed a little after we put him down last night. He wasn't crying out, so I let him fuss to see if he'd calm himself. Which he did. Or I thought he did. What if something was wrong? What if something was wrong, and I didn't check on him?

It was 4:20 when I couldn't fight the urge to check on him. I knew I might wake him up. I didn't want to wake him up. I just needed to know he was alright.

I entered the room as quietly as you can in an old building with creeky doors and squeaky floors. I approached the crib, but in the dark of the nightlight I couldn't tell if he was moving. Under the sleepsack I couldn't tell if he was breathing. I fought the urge to touch him or blow on him to get him to stir. I didn't want to wake him up. Eventually his lips moved a bit, as they sometimes do in his sleep. A finger moved. I went back to our bedroom.

I was trying to go back to sleep when the baby monitor started beeping. Sometimes it beeps when it loses contact with the main unit in the nursery. It loses contact for a second, then is fine. This time it was not fine. It just kept beeping with a glowing red light. Then, I realized that the smoke alarm was chirping too, and the clock was off. The storm had knocked the power out.

I opened our door and the door to the nursery and tried to go back to sleep. I still couldn't. I considered pumping to empty my breasts, but although the pump has batteries, I didn't want to have to deal with that in the dark. I just laid in bed. Until 4:55 when the baby woke for what would now be his 5 AM feeding.

Since I was so very awake, I fed him in the nursery instead of my usual, lazy, middle-of-the-night, feed-in-bed-so-I-can-sleep technique. I was finishing up when the power came on at 5:30. I put him back down in his crib. I got back into bed. The hubby got up to work out at 5:45. I got about 20 minutes more sleep before I had to get up.

The critter slept more than 8 hours straight last night. Mommy did not.