It's Official: I'm too big

I’d known it was coming, and I’d been dreading it. The Talk. The Talk in which my midwife would tell me that I’d gained too much weight. I got it this morning. The timing particularly stung since yesterday was a particularly gluttonous day ending with me crying in bed about how big I’d allowed myself to get. It stung to hear that I was not exaggerating.

At my first appointment I was told that I should gain 25-35 pounds over the course of the pregnancy. At 33 weeks I have already gained more than 40. I had seen the weight gain edging up ahead of schedule for a while, but it was easy to ignore when nobody official said anything about. Now it is for real. Now it is in my permanent (health) record.

I’ve been doing some good things, but I’ve been doing some bad things as well. Although I’ve done healthy things like ramp up my vegetables, I’ve also ramped up everything else. I do 90 minute Bikram sessions 2-3 times per week, but I don’t do much else in the way of exercise.

The timing of my pregnancy hasn’t helped me. The onset of winter has greatly decreased the frequency and duration of my lunchtime walks. And then there were the holidays. I gained 12 pounds from Thanksgiving to New Year’s.

The good news is that I am not yet showing the negative side effects of excessive weight gain. My blood pressure is good (even a bit to the low side). I don’t have gestational (or any other form of) diabetes. Still, I know that extra weight gain tends to mean extra baby weight gain. Bigger baby often leads to the need for more interventions. I’ve been looking forward to a natural birth. I know that cannot be guaranteed for a number of reasons, but I’s hate to have that the reason that plan changes be that I view every box of donuts brought into work as an invitation to have 3.

So now I need to get serious. I need to be strong and turn away from sweets. I need to get back on the VersaClimber (which will be scary since even the stairs to our apartment are challenging now). I need to keep doing Bikram and try for at least 3 times a week.

I can do this. I was strong when I lost weight for my wedding (which I did through healthier eating and exercise—not starving myself). I know how to treat my body better than I have been. I need to do that again. Growing this critter is the most important thing my body has ever done, and I want to do it right.

I guess I’m a Bikram convert

I started doing Bikram yoga about 3 weeks ago. Hot yoga. 90 minutes in a 105 degree Fahrenheit room yoga. Despite recommendations to use my new member unlimited pass to take class 4 times a week to start, I only go about twice a week. I like it, but days I go to Bikram have little opportunity for anything else. I work all day. I take the train to the studio. I work out. I shower. I take the bus home. By that time is 9 PM, and I’m exhausted. I make myself a light dinner and go to bed. Still, I like it. I’m just not obsessed with it.

Or so I thought.

I had a Dramatist’s Guild meeting on Monday, so I went to Bikram on Tuesday. It was a good session. Normally I struggle to get even during bow pose, but on Tuesday I got a long even extension. I felt good. I cleaned and repacked my yoga gear and brought it into work with full intentions of going Wednesday night as well.

Wednesday was a busy day at work. That sort of stress is the sort of thing that’s nice to follow up with something as cleansing and relaxing a Bikram is for me. (After it’s over that is. At the time it is not relaxing. It is hard work.) Still, I was tired. Plus it was extremely rainy, windy, and nasty when I went to work. It was a pain getting to the train. I decided that I just wanted to get home.

But when I got home, I immediately regretted not working out. I decided to do one of my old yoga DVDs. I couldn’t find it. I think I’d loaned it to someone. My husband handed me one of the yoga DVDs he got from his sister, so I decided to give that a try. I had to stop after twenty minutes. It was just too annoying. A lot of slow, sleepy, “focus on your breath” stuff. Long repeated sequences always returning to downward dog. Boring and slow and cultlike. (The guy and his followers were all shrouded in white.)

I was upset at myself for skipping Bikram. I was still tense. I did 10 hard minutes on the Versaclimber until I sweat almost as much as at Bikram. I took a shower. I felt somewhat better.

The nice thing about not going to Bikram was being able to spend the evening with my husband. We watched a movie. We drank wines. These are the things I don’t like about nights that I don’t get home until after Bikram.

However, last night taught me what a significant impact Bikram can have on how I feel, and the converse reaction to skipping it. I wish I could go tonight, but I’m going to see a friend’s show. (It’s having a life that keeps me to 2 Bikram classes a week.) But I’m going tomorrow morning before my 4th of July plans. Would it be easier just to spend the morning sleeping in, watching tv, and making my pasta salad? Of course. But I will feel so good for going to Bikram I can’t resist. I guess I’m addicted.

What is important

For the first time since the move I did some writing. Just a little but it is a start. As I was going to bed I got an idea for a monologue. Instead of going to sleep and figuring I'd write it later, which has been my usual pattern of laziness, I grabbed a notebook and wrote. It was only about 10-15 minutes, but it was an intense burst of writing.

I need to get back to writing and exercising regularly. I am not a religious person, so my body and my mind equal my soul. I only near nirvana when both are well tended. I feel better. I feel fulfilled.

I have been procrastinating everything of late: bill-paying, laundry, cleaning, tasks at work. I believe that if I can make time to write and to exercise I will regain the motivation to keep all aspects of my life in order. This is important. This is the key.

Wasted Time

I feel like there is not enough time. What is more true is that I just don't use it properly. I get sucked into a tv or web surfing too easily. I tweak lists rather than completing the tasks. I create spontaneous little projects that distract from things I've been planning to do. I spend more time thinking about what I need to do than actually doing it. Has it always been this way? I thought I had beat this, at least a little.

I need to find what is important, and I need to do it. I need to find the drive to do things because it gives me pride to have done them. I need to regain focus. I am not living up to my potential artistically, professionally, or domestically. I can do better. I should do better. Otherwise I am just wasting away.

Slacking

I already skipped a day. I thought about writing yesterday, but that doesn't count, does it?

Writing for me is like exercise. I never want to do it. I postpone doing it. Then, once I do it, I feel so good that I don't want to stop. But I have to stop. At least for now. I have work to be doing.

A New Beginning

I need to return to the habit of writing. It's scary how easy it was to let the habit fall away. It has been months. Friends say it's justified; I am busy with so many other things. Still, I feel that even if I don't have the time to dedicate to a big project I should put together words in something other than emails or policy documents (i.e. the day job). I will return to the world of thoughts become text. And I will do it here.