One week until Christmas?!?

Wow. This year has flown by. You'd think that newborn-induced lack of sleep would make it seem longer. Well, it's time to finish getting ready for Christmas and start thinking about what will be on my uberlist for next year. (I didn't do one this year because I had no idea what I'd be able to handle with a new baby.) I'll also do my year in review, although I already did it in one line on Twitter:

Became a mom: lost sleep, lost free time, found more love than I ever imagined.

Update: TMI edition

WARNING: This post contains what is probably too much information for many people. Biological information. Woman biological information. No, this is worse than the usual breastfeeding news, although there is some of that, too. This is of a more *monthly* variety. Yes, THAT female information. Stop reading now. I warned you.

Oh, are you still here? Anyway...

I'm still breastfeeding. A little. The critter latches on well first thing in the morning. Occasionally, he'll breastfeed if he is very tired or upset. Generally though he's don't with that. He is starting to hold his own bottle, and he eats three small pureed meals a day. He's a big boy. I'm still pumping though. Those few times that I get to breastfeed are worth it.

I guess it's because of the decreased breastfeeding (although my milk still seems to be holding steady), but I...remember, I warned you...I'm menstruating again. For the first time since June 2008! Let me tell you I sure didn't miss it. This forced me to buy tampons for the first time in a long time. Things have changed in 16 months! My preferred brand has changed it's packaging and...gosh...were they always that expensive?

Anyway, I was getting used to not having this particular womanly event, so it's weird to have it again. Was that too much information? Hey, I warned you.

Want: Fashionable Apron

pretty

Off My Meds

I finally ran out of the domperidone that I had been taking to increase my breastmilk supply. I don't know what is going to happen now.

After finding out that my insurance wouldn't pay for it, I had a big decision to make. By that time he was 3 months old, and I was back at work. I decided that, as directed for going off the med, I would slowly decrease my dose until my milk supply began to decrease. At that point, I would stick with that dose until I ran out of pills. I knew that some people could go off the meds and maintain supply, but I also knew that some people cannot. Generally, the supply can't be regained once lost. I decided that I was prepared to take that risk.

I gradually decreased from 10 pills a day. I would subtract one pill and wait a few days. When there was no change I'd remove another pill. I eventually got down to 3 pills a day (the minimum dose). The amount I pumped each day at work had stayed level at 8 ounces, so I continued to take 3.

A little over a week ago I finally ran out of the pills. Coming to the end was really scary. I knew that breastfeeding to 7 months isn't too bad, and I enjoyed my time doing it. Still, I was scared to lose that connection with my boy.

He has begun breastfeeding less frequently. He'll latch on well first thing in the morning when he's very hungry and I'm very full. Most other times of day he'll squirm and cry if I try to put him on the boob, even if he's hungry and will subsequently chug down a bottle. My pumping has decreased to about 6 ounces a day.
Maybe his feeding is slowing down because my supply is decreasing. Maybe my supply is decreasing because he is slowing down. Maybe it is just his time to wean. I don't know.

I keep trying. Sometimes, the critter will surprise me with some good breastfeeding. Sometimes, I pump an extra ounce. But I'm not confident that I will be able to breastfeed for much longer. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but it will make me sad when I have to stop.

Things I will miss about breastfeeding:
the closeness I feel with my boy;
the way he looks up at me when he's feeding;
the way he plays with his feet when he's feeding;
the strange wonder of being able to make milk (albeit not a lot);
and, okay yeah, the bigger boobs.

There are, however, things I won't miss about breastfeeding:
pumping;
nursing pads;
and if this ends soon, I won't be sad to miss out on breastfeeding a baby with teeth!

For now, I'm going to keep going as best I can.

A lot of loss

My son was born this year, and that has been awesome. Unfortunately, the rest of the year has been a whole lot of suck for my mom's side of the family. My grandfather died in February. My grandmother on the same side died in August. Now, in October, the dam was washed out at my grandparents' place (now cared for by my parents) thus eliminating the beautiful lake on which the house sat and leaving only a small creek and a lot of mud. I'd like to think the losses are over, but my mom also inherited my grandfather's very old German Sheppard, who is very slow and nearly blind.

"Turn, turn, turn," I know. But it is hard to have so much taken away in one year. Although I realized that nothing is forever, I was hoping the critter would have more opportunities to hang out with his great-grandparents by a serene lake while petting a big, friendly dog. (His great-grandfather died two weeks before he was born, but his great-granny did get to meet him once.)

A Better Form Letter of Rejection

(Literary Managers, feel free to use this!)

Dear playwright:

You are awesome. Seriously. You wrote a play. You didn’t just get an idea that you eventually forgot about. You didn’t jot down notes on a piece of paper that you later lost. You didn’t leave a few pages of dialogue in a long unopened file on your hard drive. You didn’t say that you would write a play. You actually wrote a play. I applaud your obvious passion for writing.

Not only did you write a play, but you took the time to submit it to us. I appreciate the time, dedication, and bravery it takes to send your work to be judged by strangers. I am honored that you trusted our theatre with your words.

I regret to inform you that we will not be producing your play. You and I both know that this is a form letter, so I won’t insult you with vague excuses for this rejection. You can’t learn anything from the phrase “not a good fit” even if it is sincere. However, I can truly state that I wish I had better news for you. I took this job because I enjoy working with playwrights and getting to produce plays. I don’t like having to be the bad guy.

Please keep writing, and keep submitting your work wherever you can. Go and prove me an idiot for having sent this. I hope to someday hear your name in connection with a highly successful production or prestigious award, and I hope I will recognize you as someone whose work I allowed to pass across my desk. I don’t want to think that I killed your dreams or chances at success. Your success will help to ease my conscience, which is burdened by having to reject so many plays that I need to do it via form letter.

Sincerely,
Literary Manager/signed

A Tired Mommy Morning

For the first time in a long time I was too tired. Since having the baby, I am often (constantly?) tired, but I usually work through it. This morning I could not.

Perhaps it's because after a long stretch of sleeping through the night fairly consistently the critter has woken up for 5 nights in a row. His best nights in this series involve being completely awake at 4 a.m. On Saturday he was up at 1 and stayed up until 2:30.

Last night was a 4 a.m. night. Not bad, but I think the cumulative effects of this series of nights got to me. I was actually fine at 4. I fed him and rocked him for over an hour. Then I washed the bottles that we had left the night before. (This was the wrong choice since it woke up the hubby. Sorry, babe.) Then I went back to bed. Fine.

It was when the critter woke up a little before 7 that got to me. Usually, I get up and am tired, but once I see my smiling boy I am somehow able to get to active mothering. This morning that didn't work. For the first time since month one or two, I just couldn't find the strength to do it. I changed his diaper, put him in his pack n play, and lay down on the couch.

I couldn't sleep while he was playing, but knowing that he was contained and safe let me rest my eyes and my mind at least a bit.

He played for almost an hour before getting fussy. Investigation showed that cause was a very poopy diaper, which I took care of. Then I put him back in his box for a little while, but he was ready to be out. Luckily, an hour of moderate neglect gave me the boost I needed to become my usual mommy self. I let him wriggle long enough to prepare myself some coffee and breakfast. Then, I let him go free range under my supervision and participation.

A nap was a long time coming. After feeding him, I put him down to rest, but another poopy diaper disrupted any hope at sleep. After taking care of that, there was a little more playing, a little more eating, and a little more fussing before he finally fell asleep. I should probably take this opportunity to return to the newborn advice to "sleep when my baby sleeps," but I'm awake now. I can do exciting things like blog and brush my teeth.

Okay, so I only struggled for an hour, but it was a long hour. It's a good thing that today is my day off. Of course, if it weren't my day off I would have tagged my husband in the middle of the night, which might have prevented some of my exhaustion. All I know is that I'm hoping that the critter learns to sleep through the night again. And soon.

A Passive Aggressive View of Web Publishing

I turned of the RSS feed that sent my blog posts directly to Facebook. (Or at least I think I did. We'll see if they randomly show up.)

I found myself not wanting to post things because of I didn't want them posted on Facebook. Sure, this is a public blog. Anyone on Facebook could read it. But there is a big difference between putting something out there where people can choose to go and read it and having that same content post to a "wall" that it essentially sent out to people with the implicit message of "Hey! Read this!" When I want to talk about personal things, like the continued status of my breastfeeding challenges, I feared that many of my Facebook connections would have an "Ew! Too much information!" reaction; whereas, those who choose to find me hear follow at their own peril. If this is too much information, it is information that you chose to find. And it is your choice whether you want to return to read again or not.

If there is something I deem appropriate for my entire social networking circle, I can choose to repost, but the experiment with an automatic feed has proven too public for me. I prefer to hide in plain sight like the wallflower I once was.

On the Mommy Track

I’ve always considered myself a career-woman. Sure, I may have sometimes slowed my career (and earnings) in exchange for changes in specialty and employment sector, but I was always focused on being successful in my professional life. Even as recently as my maternity leave I applied for another position in search of greater challenges and visibility.

That most recent job pursuit resulted in three rounds of interviews. In that last round, I was one of two finalists (down from 20 candidates for the initial phone interview and who knows how many applicants). In the end, they chose the other person. I was disappointed, of course! Who doesn’t want people to think they are the best person for a job? But I was also a bit relieved. By the time the choice was made I had been back to work for several weeks and was increasingly unhappy about the time my job kept me away from the critter. A new job would mean a learning curve that would likely result in longer hours. The greater degree of responsibility would like mean that those longer hours would likely persist.

Another mommy had pointed out that with 50 hours a week in daycare the critter spent most of his waking hours there. That was a very depressing thought. On weekends I didn’t want to do anything without the baby because I was acutely aware of how limited that time was. My personal self began to atrophy due to the lack of time when I wasn’t caring for the baby. I was exhausted. Something had to change.

So, starting this week, I will be a part-time SAHM. I start working 3 days a week, which gives me 2 extra days with my boy and a lot of extra breathing room to occasionally do things on my own without feeling guilty for being away. By working part time (rather than staying at home full time), I’ll still get the satisfaction of my professional accomplishments, contributing to the household income, and just having a reason to know what day of the week it is. I am hopeful that this will be the perfect balance for me.

I am extremely grateful to my wonderful husband whose support (both personally and financially) is making this possible. I am truly a very lucky woman.

So, will this adjustment affect my future career opportunities? I hope not, but I realize it might. That’s okay. My priority is my boy. For all my accomplishments both professionally and artistically, this critter is the project that by far brings me the most joy. I never expected to not continue working full time, but I never expected to love motherhood this much. It is the most amazing thing I've ever done.

Superman 2.0

Lois Lane: Can you read my mind? Can you picture the things I'm thinking of?

Superman: Right now you’re thinking of a particularly amusing lolcat.

Lois Lane: So you can read my mind!

Superman: Well, yes, but also you just posted it to Facebook.

Lois Lane: Oh. But can you see through my clothes?

Superman: Ummm…no. That planter must be made of lead.

Lois Lane: Ha!

Superman: But I saw you tagged in some pictures from Cabo last year and can pretty much imagine the rest.

Pitchfork Recap

The critter went to his first concert on Sunday. Well, that would be his first post-natal concert since many concerts were part of our pre-natal flurry of activity. But baby's first concert will be recorded as day 3 of the Pitchfork festival.

I had been excited about the prospect when we got the tickets. Then I got even more excited when they started announcing the Sunday bands, which included The Thermals, The Walkmen, and The Flaming Lips. However, as the date approached I became nervous about the logistics of the day. Because of the critter and all his gear it would be best to drive, but would we ever find a parking space? The Flaming Lips didn't go on until 8:40 PM by which time the critter is usually in bed. How would that impact his sleep cycle? We wanted to arrive by The Thermals at 4:15, making for a long day. Would the critter be fussy? Would there be a massive poopy diaper to have to clean up on a blanket in a field? How would the critter tolerate having his ear protection on all day?

Luckily, it all turned out okay.

The critter was calm. He napped a little when we wandered around after The Walkmen. He fell asleep for good during The Flaming Lips and barely stirred on the move to the car, a diaper change, putting on his sleep sack, or putting him in his crib. And he slept through the night.

As far as enjoying the concert, which is why we were there, it was a good time. Because of the critter we stayed a bit further back than we normally would, but that was okay. The sound wasn't great (and you could hear music from the B stage when listening to someone on A or C). Still, it was nice to be outside listening to music. We drank some beer and had some great curry.

We left about an hour into The Flaming Lips' set. The critter was fine, but mom and dad were getting tired. (It was a school night!) Plus, we knew it would be easier to get the stroller out if we left before the crowd. We moved to the perimeter of the crowd, but decided to stay to see what the next song would be. This turned out to be a great decision. The song was "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots," which has special meaning for us. A piano and standing bass played it for my processional at our wedding. :-)

Waking Hours

The critter woke up last night. For weeks he's been sleeping through the night or pretty close to it, but last night was not like that.

He woke up around 2:30 a.m. His diaper was very wet and had leaked. I changed him. He was very awake, so I fed him. I had forgotten how peaceful it was to feed him at night in the rocking chair. I haven't done that since going back to work. Once he was drowsy, I set him down in the crib and went back to bed.

He woke again around 4:30 a.m. This time I let hubby get up. He fed the critter a bottle then brought him back to our bed.

About an hour later as hubby and I were getting up and ready for work the critter was still asleep. I watched him before I got up. He was peaceful. But as I was getting ready, he seemed to be having a very sad baby dream. He was still asleep, but he was wimpering and sniffling. It was sort of cute but also quite pitiful. When he woke up he cried loudly. Different cries sound different. This was a very sad cry. This was a very sad critter.

I fed him in the big chair. That calmed him. That's one of my favorite things about breastfeeding: the power to calm the critter when he is distressed. I'll be needing the power again tonight. It's his 4 month well-baby visit, and there are going to be a lot of shots.

Oh, I'm sure the doctor will ask if the critter is sleeping through the night. I'll have to say "Well..."

A morning out of sorts

Our ritual this morning was different, and I'm still not feeling quite right.

It's the daycare lady's vacation, so Granny Z is in for critter duty. This changed what needed to be done in the morning and by whom, which (particularly before having a significant amount of coffee) was enough to seriously throw me off my game.

Theoretically, the morning was a lot easier. For one, I didn't have to carry so much stuff to the car. I also didn't have to eat breakfast while breastfeeding, and I could leave for work a little later since I didn't have to stop at daycare.

On the other hand, it took a lot of thinking to figure out whether I had everything I needed since I had so little to actually take with me. I also ran around like a crazy person reminding my mom where everything was from hats for the critter to lunches for her. I spent all morning not quite knowing what I needed to do. Hopefully, I'll get more relaxed as the week goes on. (Just in time to return to the old ritual on Monday!)

It didn't help that the critter was particularly cute and snuggly this morning. It's hard to leave him regardless of who is taking care of him.

Dead links

I actually have a few notes on a potential play dealing with how web accounts live on after a person dies, but I've just had my first personal brush with the phenomenon.

I found out that one of my professional contacts on LinkedIn passed away several weeks ago. Naturally, his LinkedIn profile does not indicate this, even in the "What are you working on now?" box. I doubt his family will worry about about removing his profile, even if they know it is out there. As a result, my professional network is likely to include a dead man for quite a while.

Unless Kim Deal is standing behind me, there is no "Kim D" here

I knew it would happen someday. Today I was called "Kim D" for the first time.

At the Bikram studio, when there are multiple people with the same name, they refer to people by their first name and last initial. I don't know if it's because she's new or if it's because I'm not normally at the Friday morning class, but this was the first time I've practiced with another Kim. So I was "Kim D."

I have been "Kim Z" for so long the combination feels like my first name. To closer friends I have been "Kimmy Z" as well. (Never just "Kimmy." Never. Ever.) Even since I've gotten married I am still Kim Z to a lot of people. It is my attachment to my zed that inspired me to use it as my middle initial when I changed my name. I remain Kim Z.

But at the Bikram studio they've only known me since I've been married. They naively think of my initial as being the first letter of my last name. They don't know how foreign that sounds to me.

I'm sure I'll have to be Kim D again sometime. Probably at the yoga studio but in other places as well. Perhaps I'll get used to it, but it won't change the fact that I am now, and always will be, Kim Z.

A sea of changes rather than sea change

Before having a child of my own I thought of developmental milestones as a finite list of significant acts: rolling over, crawling, walking talking. But watching the critter keeps me amazed at the many subtle changes that I hadn’t thought about before. I remember how he used to root around headfirst with his arms just hanging limp. Then, he started to flail his arms, occasionally hitting a toy by luck. Then, he learned to grip. Now, he willfully bats at his toys and delights in their spinning and swinging.

The same goes for his voice. He still has a long way to go before his first word, but he has become so expressive with sounds other than just crying. I wish I knew what he was saying, but I love to watch how happy “talking” makes him. Yesterday he discovered that he has the ability to make a very high and loud squeaking sound. I’ll admit that the sound was not the most pleasant, but it was fun to see him delight in his discovery.

A friend told me that watching a baby is like watching the ocean. I think I know what she meant. Both are constantly changing. Both are calming. Both make me happy. Of course, I don’t live by the ocean, but Lake Michigan is a good stand in. This weekend I am likely to, at some point, be watching both my baby and the lake. How wonderful!

This is mostly a test

This is to see what happens with my RSS feed to Facebook. Yesterday I added that, and it posted my last 24 posts! It's not a big deal since they are public anyway, but it was not what I intended to do. I tried to delete them (So people wouldn't think, "WTF? Why is she posting all this?), but they kept coming back. I'll see what happens when I create some I post something new.

I've been fighting the Facebook thing for some time now. Partly because of concerns about the misappropriaton of my personal information. Partly because I didn't want to take the time.

As for the privacy concerns, I am paying close attention to my privacy settings, including using suggestions from articles on Facebook privacy such as this and this. Plus, as with all my online activities, I try to avoid posting anything that would be particularly damaging even if someday found by someone outside the intended audience.

As for the time, we'll see how that goes. With the critter there is even less of what used to be free time, so I'm striving for balance. (I already put a filter on my Gmail to have Facebook notifications skip the inbox and go into a facebook folder. That way I'm not constantly being pinged, but I still have a way to check on Facebook activity without having to go to the site.)

I will say that it's nice to connect to people with whom I haven't been in touch for a while. Also, many friends of friends have been using Facebook as a primary mode of communication, so it's nice to be in the loop.

Shameless Self-Promotion: 10 Minute Plays in Macon, Ga.

Literary Arts Theatre Festival – 10-minute plays

Monday, June 29 (ONE NIGHT ONLY)

567 Cherry Street, Macon, Georgia

$3 at the door

I have two plays in this festival of staged readings of seven 10-minute plays. The program is split into two programs. The "family friendly" plays start at 7 PM, and the "mature audience" plays start at 9 PM. I have a show in each half.

My "family friendly" selection is "Serenity Lounge Anxiety." This is a 10-minute cutting of a longer one-act play about the very intimate relationships that can develop with one's massage therapist. Neither the 10-minute version nor the full one-act have had any prior performances, so I'm disappointed to miss the opportunity to hear this done.

My "mature" selection is "With a View of Gray Street." This comedy about a man looking for a very specific apartment premiered at Future Tenant's Future Ten festival in 2006.

I'm amused that this wound up in a "mature audiences" (Warning!) section. I don't consider that play to be particularly racy. I specifically held back some of my more provocative works since I figured they would be too much for Macon!

My dad's play "Girl's Night Out" is also a part of the "mature" portion of the evening. Our family has 3 plays out of 7. Not bad.

If you happen to be in Macon on Monday, please check it out!

Because the trees might read what you left on the printer

I sometimes get emails with the signature line, "Please consider the environment before printing this email." I'm pretty sure that the authors just don't want me to waste paper, but an information security person reads this as a different sort of warning entirely.

Longest sleep yet!

The little one slept through the night. He slept from 9 PM until just as I was getting up to feed him. Sadly, on my current schedule that’s 5:30 AM, but that’s a lot more palatable when I wasn’t just up at 4 AM.

Okay. So I still woke up at 4 AM, but I was slightly more calm about it than I was last time.

The morning feeding was thrown off a bit by this new development. Normally, his dad feeds him a bottle while I am in the shower, and I finish off with breastfeeding right before we head to daycare. This morning I decided to feed him off the breast first. I hadn't breastfed or pumped since 8 PM, so I was really full. I make so little milk that I can't stand to see any go down the shower drain, so I fed him just enough to stop the leaking. That made him less interested in the bottle when dad tried to feed him. Then, when I would normally do the last minute breastfeeding, he wasn't interested in the breast but took the rest of his bottle. I warned the daycare lady that his schedule will likely be a bit off today. I'll happily figure out a new morning feeding routine if it means sleeping through the night becomes a the norm!

I’m still tired though.

Got: Spray Pancakes

As follow up from my previous post, I should mention that we did try the aerosol pancakes this weekend.

Apparently, the Batter Blaster is available at all the major supermarkets in our area. Who knew? (Enter your zip code to find sources near you.) We had a friend visiting from DC for the weekend, so it seemed like a good time to experiment with this crazy product.

Our friend actually did the cooking. She said it was a bit hard to control the size and placement of the pancakes. Still, she managed to make quite a few. The first ones varied between undercooked and overcooked, but I find it takes a while to get the pan temperature correct with any sort of pancakes.

They tasted good. They tasted like pancakes. Didn't notice anything better or worse than pancakes from a mix, although these are organic.

Probably the best thing about this product is it would be really easy to make pancakes for one person. Everything is ready to go in the fridge so you just need to heat up a pan. Then the rest can go back in the refrigerator. Plus there's no mess to clean up (other than the pan).

And I'm still a playwright...

I haven't done any playwriting since December. I haven't submitted many of my finished plays either, particularly since the critter was born. I do still consider myself a playwright; it just hasn't been the focus of my life (and, therefore, of this blog).

My folks did give me a heads up on a festival seeking submissions down by them in Georgia. They wanted email submissions, so it was easy to send a couple of scripts off to them.

The festival director just called to let me know that they want to both plays. It's a one-night only of staged readings, but it's at least a production credit. I haven't had any work produced since january

Shameless self promotion post coming soon (when I get more details).

Talkin' Derby

We took the critter to his first roller derby this weekend. At first it seemed like it would be the definition of "overstimulation." He going to be out past his bedtime, and he was fascinated by the lighted messages that scroll around the UIC Pavillion and often startled by the announcers ("And your lead jammer is...!"). But by the time it got to the championship bout he had fallen asleep and stayed that way for most of the first half, the halftime show, and some of the second half.


(He was awake for the exciting conclusion when the underdog Manic Attackers came from behind to take the 2009 Ivy King Cup over the Hells Belles!)

WHO can't sleep through the night?

I awoke at 4:10. I don't know if I woke up because I'm used to being awake at that hour, or if I woke up because my breasts were so full and hard with milk. I did not wake up because I heard the baby. The baby was silent.

That's good, right? Usually, on a good night, he goes to bed around 9 PM and then wakes up for a feeding between 3 and 4 AM. Sleeping longer is good, right? Only if I can sleep too.

I stared at the clock, listening to the silence of the baby monitor. I couldn't help worrying if he was alright. After all, he fussed a little after we put him down last night. He wasn't crying out, so I let him fuss to see if he'd calm himself. Which he did. Or I thought he did. What if something was wrong? What if something was wrong, and I didn't check on him?

It was 4:20 when I couldn't fight the urge to check on him. I knew I might wake him up. I didn't want to wake him up. I just needed to know he was alright.

I entered the room as quietly as you can in an old building with creeky doors and squeaky floors. I approached the crib, but in the dark of the nightlight I couldn't tell if he was moving. Under the sleepsack I couldn't tell if he was breathing. I fought the urge to touch him or blow on him to get him to stir. I didn't want to wake him up. Eventually his lips moved a bit, as they sometimes do in his sleep. A finger moved. I went back to our bedroom.

I was trying to go back to sleep when the baby monitor started beeping. Sometimes it beeps when it loses contact with the main unit in the nursery. It loses contact for a second, then is fine. This time it was not fine. It just kept beeping with a glowing red light. Then, I realized that the smoke alarm was chirping too, and the clock was off. The storm had knocked the power out.

I opened our door and the door to the nursery and tried to go back to sleep. I still couldn't. I considered pumping to empty my breasts, but although the pump has batteries, I didn't want to have to deal with that in the dark. I just laid in bed. Until 4:55 when the baby woke for what would now be his 5 AM feeding.

Since I was so very awake, I fed him in the nursery instead of my usual, lazy, middle-of-the-night, feed-in-bed-so-I-can-sleep technique. I was finishing up when the power came on at 5:30. I put him back down in his crib. I got back into bed. The hubby got up to work out at 5:45. I got about 20 minutes more sleep before I had to get up.

The critter slept more than 8 hours straight last night. Mommy did not.

Decisions

I'm going to have to make some critter-related decisions in the next few days.

First, I heard back from the big daycare center where I had been on the wait list since November. They have a space for our critter starting in September. Now, I need to decide whether to keep the critter in his current home day care or move him to the big center.

The current daycare situation is in a woman's home. She and an assistant take care of 7 kids from the critter (the youngest) up to age 4. The location is very close to my home, and the critter seems to be doing well there (in the little over two weeks he's gone).

The daycare center would put the critter in a group of 12-15 kids his own age, with whom he would move from room to room as they grow. For older kids, the center has very good arts, music, and swimming programs, and getting the critter in now would guarantee him a spot in those. The center is closer to my work. The critter wouldn't need to be in care as long, but the time gained with me would just be time in the car. It's more expensive, but we can afford it if we think it's worth it.

Thoughts and suggestions on this matter are apppreciated, particularly from the mommies across the country that sometimes read my blog.

The other issue is that after a long time of claims being sent to the wrong address and then needing to take the time to resubmit them, I have now gotten the notification that the domperidone that I started taking to increase my milk supply is not covered by insurance. We've already paid for 3 months for which we won't be reimbursed (which we knew was a risk), but the question is whether I should continue taking it.

If I stop taking the drug my milk supply will likely decrease or possibly dry up altogether. It might not, but if I choose not to refill it anymore I need to be prepared for the fact that that may mean the end of breastfeeding. On the other hand, we are spending a lot of money on this drug, but I still need to feed the critter quite a bit of formula. (It's probably about half of what he eats.) An additional variable is that the pediatrician says he can start solid foods next month. Now, I've read that there is no hurry and starting foods early just creates an additional chore, but that decision seems relevant to how important it is to keep my milk supply.

Ah. Too much to think about. I just want to make the best decisions for my boy. I know he'll be fine at either daycare. I know he'll be fine without breastmilk. Knowing all that makes the decisions that much harder.

Better use of 15 minutes

I didn't make this mistake again. This morning I had 15 extra minutes again, so I put the critter in the stroller and went for a little walk. We just went to the mailbox and then to the coffee shop to get momma some coffee and zucchini bread, but it was nice to have a little time. The critter had fallen asleep while I brushed her teeth and packed the day's milk, but he woke up for the walk. It was nice to have him awake so I could interract with him during the extra time, although watching him sleep is a joy, too.

I love my baby.

Our walk was so nice it almost made it okay to be Monday. Almost. This was a particularly nice weekend with two nice sunny days to go to Midsommarfest. (I blew my diet a bit on festival food, but it's good for the soul to have funnel cake at least once a year, right?) Mom, Dad, and Critter all got goodies, too. Hubby bought me a bracelet and himself a funky belt buckle. One of the posh kids stores in our neighborhood is going to be an online only business, which is sort of sad, but it meant a super sale. The critter got a fun stuffed bunny, a fashionable onesie, and blocks (for when he's older but at 50% off it was worth buying and storing them).

Looking forward to critter's first summer.

15 More Minutes

Although I felt like the morning was as chaotic as usual, I was disappointed to realize that I somehow managed to get to daycare more than 15 minutes earlier than usual. Why disappointed? Well, I only get a few waking hours at home with my baby on weekdays. Losing 15 minutes of that is significant. I wish I had stayed home a little bit longer and read him a story or snuggled him or let him play. Next time I will watch the clock more closely.

This morning: messy AND sleepy

After the good news that the critter is growing, we had a rough morning.

We’ve gotten pretty good with getting the critter to bed. We started a bedtime ritual and using the crib a few weeks ago. He can usually fall asleep on his own. On a good night, he’ll sleep from 8:30 PM until 3 or 4 AM. Last night was not one of those nights.

He woke up at 12:45 AM. Generally I’ve been just taking him to bed if he wakes up. It doesn’t help us get any closer to having him sleep through the night, but with trying to adjust to going back to work it is nice to be able to just latch him onto a breast and go back to sleep while he does what he needs to do. Last night, I tried to be “good.” I got up and fed him in the nursery. Then he put him back down in the crib. He was crying about 20 minutes later. Hubby brought him to me in bed. I cuddled the critter until he fell back asleep and, eventually, I did too.

He woke up again at 5 AM. That’s actually worse than getting up earlier since it means I don’t get to go back to sleep before 6 AM, which is when I need to get up nowadays (an hour before my pre-critter waking time). As a result, I was moving pretty slowly when I did get up. Hubby did his usual portion of the critter prep and left for work. I proceeded as usual, but after I did the final breast feed on the critter he spit up. A lot. Granted, he didn’t get me like he got his dad a few days ago. I managed to be prepared with a burp cloth. Still, he covered his face, arm and chest pretty well. As I was trying to clean him off he was leaning back a little when he spit up again. It spurted up like a sour milk fountain.

The drooling sort of spit up doesn’t distress him, but he seemed quite uncomfortable during all this. I held him until he became calm. Apparently, I was successful because he fell back asleep. This is actually a good thing because he needs his sleep, but I was disappointed for two reasons. (1) He looks like such an angel when he is sleeping that I just want to stay and hold him forever; and (2) I wanted to be able to go back to sleep, too!

He woke up a bit when I changed him into clean clothes but fell back to sleep when I strapped him into the car seat. He was still asleep when we got to daycare.

Momma has to cope with coffee.

3 Months: My Big Guy

We had 3 month critter weigh in yesterday. He is 24 inches long/tall and 13 lbs and 2 oz. That's actually a normal weight! Right around the 50% percentile. Yay for growing critter!

Want: Spray pancakes

We've been eating a lot more prepared foods since the arrival of the critter. Part of this is because hubby, previously not very experienced with cooking, has been doing most of the meal prep in order to help me out. He's recently started branching out into actual cooking, but it was nice to discover that there are many good prepared food options out there (particularly from Trader Joe's).

Although it's not going to help me lose the baby weight, I can't help but be tempted by pancakes from a spray can. Perhaps a treat...

Messy Morning

So, I knew something like this would happen some morning, but I thought it would happen to me. The critter spit up his breakfast. All over dad.

Dad is in charge of feeding critter formula, changing the diaper, and getting the baby dressed while mommy starts getting ready. (Normally we do formula AFTER breastfeeding, but in the morning this made more sense since hubby leaves before I do.) This has worked fine, but this morning while critter spit up most of his formula all over dad. Unfortunately, it is a rainy day; otherwise, hubby would have been in a tshirt and shorts ready to bike to work. Instead, he was actually in one of his nice, custom-fit, dress shirts and khakis. Spit up formula was all over his shirt, his pants, and the kitchen floor. I took care of the floor while hubby changed.

After all that, critter had very little interest in feeding off the breast. He wanted to play instead. I'll be interested in the report from daycare. It's definitely a different sort of day.

Coffee Pants

In an effort to continuously improve my my morning routine I decided to bring my coffee in a thermos today. Well, I decided this after already pouring half of it into a travel mug, so I wasn't giving myself a free hand. But that wasn't the problem. I hadn't used the thermos for a while, so I forgot that it leaks if it falls on its side. Which is what it did in the shopping bag with the milk and my lunch as I slowly made my way down the stairs. When I got to the garage I noticed that the side of my pants had some wet spots.

Luckily, I was wearing dark brown pants. I knew that once the drips had dried the spills wouldn't be noticeable. (I know this because I was a veteran spiller of coffee well before I was a mother.) Still, it's annoying. I'm going to smell like coffee all day. Although, realistically, I was probably going to smell like coffee all day anyway. It is my helper in primary work goal of staying awake. (I'll be more ambitious in week two.)

Notes to self: buy new thermos; wash pants; create elaborate pully system for lowering my belongings to ground level.

UPDATE: The process of the thermos leaking involved coffee leaking from the sippy opening in the internal lid, into the cup lid, and out onto me. As a result, when I went to open the thermos at work all the coffee that had remained trapped in the cup lid spilled all over the carpet (which, luckily, is also brown). It's an awesome day! Is it Friday yet?

The morning ritual...

...is complicated.

Hubby and I have been working to coordinate bathroom time and other preparations for the day. For example, hubby changes and dresses the critter while I'm in the shower. Lunch packing and milk/formula preparations are usually done the night before.

I still don't have a rhythm yet. Yesterday, I was almost done feeding the critter, which is usually my last thing to do, when I realized I hadn't put on make-up yet. I've made coffee at home, or I've waiting until going to work. And there is the variable of how hungry the crit is. Somedays he feeds more than others, and it seems like the daycare lady still needs to feed him within an hour of his arrival.

The biggest problem is all the stuff I have to carry down the 3 flights of stairs to the garage. (Thank goodness I decided to start driving to work. I couldn't do all this on the train.) I have my purse, my breast pump, my lunch, a cooler of bottles for the critter, a coffee mug (sometimes), and the critter in a car seat. It's a lot of stuff! I've thought about leaving the pump in the car, but sometimes I need it at night. Plus, I'd still need to bring in all the washable parts and the expressed milk.

So far, the only efficiency I've come up with is putting my lunch and the milk cooler in a reusable shopping bag, which allows me to put them over my shoulder rather than carry them in my hand. Other than that, I just pile everything on and plod down the stairs. I've been considering putting the critter in the Bjorn carrier to avoid having the heavy critter/carseat combo to carry, but having to deal with getting him in and out of the Bjorn and then strap him into the carseat seems like more trouble than it is worth.

I've typically liked living on a 3rd floor for security, privacy, and quiet (no upstairs neighbors) reasons, but I'm beginning to wish we lived a bit lower!

First Day Back at Work

I am coming to the end of my first day back at work. Emotionally, I was generally okay. It's actually nice not to be in constant childcare mode. I do think, however, that the cumulative effect of a full week, a full month will get to me. A friend pointed out that using generally accepted bedtime guidance, we'll only have a few hours with our kids when we get home from work. The majority of the critter's waking hours will be spent with the day care ladies, not with me. That is what makes me sad. He changes so much each day, and I hate to miss it.

At least I had 12 weeks at home. Many people aren't able to even have that.

As for my working day, it was mostly the administrative and catching up stuff that needs to occur after being away for 3 months. As a result, the most significant parts of my day were

• selecting a critter picture to put on my computer desktop (A framed pic for my actual desktop will be forthcoming as well.);
• setting my screensaver to be a random slide show of critter pics; and
• pumping milk 3 times.

As for that last one, I pumped a total of about 8 ounces. Based on two daycare trial runs last week (a half day and a full day), the critter eats almost 16 ounces during the day. No wonder he was so hungry when I tried to just breastfeed him. Mama can only give him half of what he needs! And that's even on the domperidone! Well, at least I know he'll be eating enough now, even if a lot of it is formula. The important thing is that he can be a growing boy!

Does that make me a leader?

So, I'm experimenting with adding the "Followers" gadget to my blog. It's there on the right. If you click on it, you can follow my blog more easily, and make me feel loved. ;-)

Anyway, I think you just need a Google (such as for gmail) and not actually a blogger account. Let me know if I'm wrong about that.

Trial Run

Today was our first trial run of bringing the critter to day care. I wanted a trial run to sort out morning rituals as well as to deal with separation anxiety.

I'm doing okay emotionally, probably because I have actually been away from the critter before. It is weird, however, to be in the house alone. I'm pretty sure I haven't done that since going into labor. I keep looking at the bouncy seat as I pass because I feel that someone should be in it.

I'm just leaving him at day care for a half day today. I'll be going to yoga at 9:30. I'll come back, shower, and have lunch before getting him.

The first thing I did after dropping him off was start trying on work clothes. Sadly, since I really haven't lost any weight (other than the initial stuff) since being pregnant I'm still going to be stuck in mostly pregnancy clothes for a while, at least from the waist down.

The trying on process really points out how messed up women's sizing is. I have a size 4 suit jacket that fits except for the top button (acceptable), but I have a size 10 jacket that is tight all over. Of course the fact that I have a size 4 jacket and a size 10 jacket (as well as others in between) is further evidence of how irregular the sizes are. It's pretty much the same with baby clothes. 0-3 months is a big range. At least I squirm less when I'm trying on my clothes.

Anyway, it is time to start eating better again. I did so well before the wedding, but I went crazy when I was pregnant. It's time to go back to what I was doing before.

On the Road Trip

Changing Travel Preferences

There are some differences when traveling with an infant:

Before, I was a stairs person. Now, I am often an elevator person because I have a critter in a stroller.

Before, I liked the aisle seat. Now, I like the window since it is easier to breast feed discretely. Of course, that's only when traveling with a lap critter. When he has his own ticket, I'll suddenly become a middle seat person since the car seat will go by the window.

Before, if it was 5 PM and there were only 300 miles left on a 14+ hour road trip I would push through to get home. Now, we stop, so that critter and parents can relax after the long day. In fact, we should have stopped an hour earlier. As we drew near our decided stopping place we were delayed by a poopy diaper blowout. The complimentary cocktails at the hotel were well appreciated!

In other news, on the drive home we were even more efficient than the earlier leg of the journey. Pumping and then reaching back to feed critter milk from the bottle while driving became the norm. We only needed to stop for burping, diaper changes, and brief parent rest breaks.

Glad to be home, but I returned to a long to do list. There is a lot to do before I go back to work on Monday. 12 weeks have flown by. I'm going to miss my days with the little guy. :-(

Travels with Baby

The critter is 10 weeks old now. Since I needed to use all my vacation time as a part of my maternity leave, we decided to go on a trip before I go back to work.

Going through the security checkpoint at the airport felt a bit chaotic with the baby and all the gear, particularly for seasoned travelers who generally pride ourselves in our efficiency at that. Once we were through security the air travel was good. I did a last minute change in the most secluded seat I could find at our gate. Prior to the trip I had gotten one of those nursing covers. It's like a poncho with a wide neck, so I can see what's going on in there. With that and a well-selected shirt the feeding "in public" wasn't an issue at all.

The flight was sold out, so we had to have a lap critter since we didn't pay for a third seat. We gate checked the car seat and its stroller. Critter slept for most of the flight. He woke up a bit hungry, and I fed him for the rest of the flight.

The first part of our trip was in DC to see family and friends and pick up hubby's old Jeep. Becoming a pro at public nursing, I even fed the critter in a restaurant while everyone was hanging out and finishing a pitcher of margaritas. I did, however, wimp out of feeding him on the National Mall after just changing his diaper at the WWII memorial attracted gawkers and strange comments. Instead, we pulled the car into what we new would be a fairly secluded parking lot on our way back to where we were staying, and I fed him in the backseat.

The drive to Savannah was a little more difficult. Although critter generally sleeps in the car, he was not ready to sleep ALL DAY in the car. After the first feeding/changing pit stop he started to be more alert and fussy even when the vehicle was in motion. I spent a lot of time reaching into the back seat and putting his pacifier in his mouth. On one leg of the drive I even sat with him. I held his hands and he fell asleep.

To maximize our feeding efficiency on the road I would pump while hubby was driving. (We have an inverter that turns the cigarette lighter into a regular plug.) Then, we would feed him from the bottle when we stopped, usually multitasking our own bathroom/food/gasoline breaks. As usual, he would also get formula when the breast milk was not enough.

I had estimated the need to stop, on average, 30 minutes for every 2 hours of driving, which proved to be quite accurate. We completed what Google maps called a 9 hour trip in a little under 12 hours.

On the drive the next day there was a detour because of an accident. Of course the baby woke up at that point and was hungry. It didn't help that the slow moving traffic wasn't as comforting to him as faster highway driving. I reclined my seat enough to feed him a bottle while he was in the car seat. I put a bib on him thinking this would create a big mess, but it worked surprisingly well. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since they say to hold a baby at a 45 degree angle when feeding him from a bottle and that happens to be the exact same angle of a properly installed infant car seat.

Today, critter got to meet his great-grandma, which was the primary motivator for this trip. It made her very happy to meet him, although it would have been nice if grandpa could have met him as well. Critter won't remember it, but we have pictures.

We are on the way to having a seasoned traveler. By the end of the year he will have already been in or through at least 10 states and the District of Columbia.

To feed or not to feed

So we had problems with the critter not getting enough to eat. We added more formula after breastfeeding. Then we had problems with the critter getting acid reflux because he was eating to much. We cut back on formula after breastfeeding. His last weigh in was 9 lbs 13 ounces. He only gained 5 ounces in 2 weeks, which is back to the low side. Although our pediatrician is not worried about the critter only being in the 10th percentile ("He's just a little guy."), I find myself constantly confused about what to do. Is that bit of fussiness because he is hungry or overstuffed? Put him back on the breast, give him a bottle, burp him more, or just keep him upright? It's frustrating not to know. I just want to do the best for my son. I neither want to cause him to be underweight, overweight or discomforted. I try to read him as best I can, but I am still never sure if I am doing the right thing.

Over Eating!

Not only is the critter gaining weight, but now we find that by continuing to regularly supplement breastfeeding with formula, he is actually being over fed! In the past week or so, we noticed increased farting, spitting up, and wheezing. The lactation consultant said this is acid reflux due to overfeeding. Last night I just breastfed him, rather than following up with formula, and he slept much better...not quite "through the night" yet, but pretty good.

Despite being force fed by his folks, the critter is not fatso. At 9 pounds 8 ounces he is still around the 18th percentile for both length and weight. No wonder it is difficult to find stuff that fits him; the industry is catering to that other 82 percent of babies!

Baby talk

Some words that I use much more since becoming a mother

• fussy
• poop/poopy
• tummy (time)
• nipple (both mine and the ones for the bottles)
  
• boob
• nap
• onesie
• bjorn
• lactation
  
• mommy
• daddy
• help
  

Fat critter!

Critter is finally gaining weight. He returned to his birth weight (7 lbs 11 oz) last Tuesday. That was a gain of 3 ounces in a week, which we continued pretty good. Then...this Monday he weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz! Granted that's probably slightly overstated since he peed immediately after, but it is definitely a prominent gain. Hopefully we are now on the road to having a growing boy. Hopefully, though, we are not on the road to childhood obesity.

I'm taking 11 domperidone pills a day. As someone who usually doesn't take any pills this is a crazy lifestyle change. But it worked. My milk is in strong now. (Although we still supplement with the occasional ounce or two of formula, most of that 11 ounce growth spurt is from the mommy's milk.) I'll have to take the pills for the duration of my breastfeeding. We'll see how long that will be. I'd like to do it as long as I can, but I know that it will be hard when I return to work. We'll see what ends up working for me and my critter. For now, I'm happy for the time with my boy.

Shh. He's asleep in my lap. ;-)

Random Mommy Thoughts

Things I've learned about motherhood in less than 4 weeks:

Being a mom means less sleep and more laundry.

Finding time to shower can be enough of an accomplishment for the day.

Days are long, but weeks are short. (I can't believe my critter is almost 4 weeks old!)

It is important to have foods that you can eat with one hand.

It's amazing how much pee and poop a little guy can generate.

Breastfeeding is hard; breastfeeding is wonderful.

Holding my baby when he is peaceful is the best reward.

Boob Juice

Breastfeeding is the most rewarding and most challenging thing I've ever done.

When I am feeding my son and he looks up at me he truly feels like he is mine. At other times it is hard to believe that this beautiful boy is someone that my husband and I made, but when I hold him and feed him I feel so much like his mother. When he is done and contented and curls up against me it is pure bliss.

On the other hand, there is the feeling that I am always feeding. Each feeding lasts about an hour. During the day, he eats every 2-3 hours. That time is measured from the beginning of the last feeding, which means I often only have an hour before I feed him again. That is exhausting. And, of course, there is the lack of sleep from night feedings. I am told that over time the duration and frequency of feedings decreases, and I can't say that doesn't sound nice.

But we have had bigger challenges than exhaustion. Both the critter and I have struggled with the process. In the hospital, the nurses commented on how well we breastfed. This is because my son had a perfect latch (mouth position on the breast). Bad latch is a common breastfeeding problem. Unfortunately, what they didn't notice was that even though he looked like the poster boy for breastfeeding technique, he was not actually drinking deeply. At our pediatrician appointment 2 days after being discharged from the hospital he had lost more weight than babies usually do. We started working with a lactation consultant.

The lactation consultant taught me how to encourage the baby to take big gulps and taught my husband how to assist me at that. This helped...somewhat. A few days later the critter's weight was up but only by a third of an ounce. At least he wasn't losing.

I was started taking fenugreek and pumping for 10 minutes after each feeding. Still, the critter didn't gain anything by the next appointment. Or the appointment after that.

We started providing an ounce of formula after each feeding to supplement his nutrition. I also started taking a drug called domperidone to stimulate my milk production.

Taking the domperidone was a big decision for me. I was raised by a nurse and a pharmacist, and I have no problem with medicine. However, I also don't believe in taking anything unnecessarily. I have always taken that approach with my own health, but I feel even more strongly about that for my baby. That is why having a natural birth was important to me. Breastfeeding was important to me because it is the more natural option. So it was difficult for me to have to take pills in order to go the "natural" route. Still, continuing with the use of formula would likely mean my milk supply would decrease until it was gone. And I wasn't ready to give up on breastfeeding yet (for reasons see the beginning of this post).

At his last check up the critter gained 3 ounces. That met our ounce a day goal. He has another appointment tomorrow. I am hoping to see continued progress.

I know that formula feeding is not failure. I've even read the article in this month's Atlantic about how there isn't really evidence to back up the hype of "breast is best." Still, I hope I'm not just being stubborn in my commitment to breastfeeding. It is something I want to do for my baby, and I'll be sad if I have to give up on it.

Our critter

Recent Events

It's been a busy and eventful time. Too busy to post.

We moved in mid-February. It was only a block but still required the whole packing and unpacking thing.

Meanwhile, I was keeping very busy at work, trying to get my projects wrapped up before the baby was born.

During the first week of March we were in a car accident. No one was hurt, but the car is not drivable.

During the second week of March my son was born, 10 days before his due date. He was 7 lbs, 11 ounces and 21.25 inches long.

We still aren't completely unpacked. Not all my work projects were completed. We still don't have a car. And I need to sleep. But we have a beautiful boy, who I still can barely fathom is mine.

I am happy.

Gross Misuses of Power

It wasn't so long ago that graphic design was done by a professional with a lightboard (or, at very least, a complex piece of software that required specialized training). Now, just about anyone can publish newsletters and make flyers, and the result is often ugly/unreadable/terrifying. The same goes with web page design.

Similarly the results of amateur dabbling with Microsoft Access create problems for years after the "developer" has left since the system may still be in use. There is a definite art and science to good database design that will allow you to easily expand the systems scope and create reports to answer just about anything relevant to the data. On the other hand, bad database design results in a system that is difficult to maintain, limited in functionality, confusing to document, and will require months of conversion effort before back data can be moved to a better system.

Today, I'm trying to document a horrible Access database, and it is maddening.

Goodbye, Grandpa O

My grandfather died on Friday night. My mom called Saturday morning. His death was sudden insofar that he wasn’t ill. On the other hand, he was 91 (a few months from 92) and had grown noticeably weaker when I saw him at Christmas, so death was not outside the realm of possibilities.

He died in his sleep, which is all any of us can hope for ourselves.

The funeral is today. I won’t be there. I always thought I would be there for his funeral, but I never anticipated him dying when I was 35 weeks pregnant and moving in 4 days. The logistics of travel just seem like too much right now. Still, I worry that not being there will mean I have a hard time grasping that he’s really gone.

At least I was able to spend time with him and my grandmother at Christmas. My husband was able to meet him on several occasions. I had, of course, been hoping that he would be able to meet his new great-grandson, but I knew those visits would be few and my son would be too young to remember them.

My grandfather was an extraordinary man. He served in the Air Force, including flying in combat during WWII. He was a professional photographer in a small town, and there are many people for whom he took senior photos then their wedding photos then their children’s senior photos then their children’s wedding photos. Perhaps the most amazing thing is that he was happily married to my grandmother for over 70 years.

To all the emotions of being pregnant and setting up a new home sadness has been added. I pack a box, have a crying jag, and go on.

I will miss you, Grandpa.

Trust 2.0

The pre-commercialized and non-web-enabled Internet was a trusted environment. The sys admins knew each other. If they saw a problem coming from a particular address space they knew who to call.

Because everyone was trusted there were few security controls built in to the architecture. Most of us don't lock the doors inside our home because we trust the people inside. Same thing. That's why the original Internet Worm (the Morris Worm) in 1988 was so devastating. And that's why we still have problems today.

Here's a fairly non-technical example of the technical security problems of the Internet. To send email you used to have to type who it was to, who it was from, and the message. Note that you TYPED who the message is from. In a trusted environment it was assumed that no one would lie about who they were. This is the exact same protocol that goes on behind the scenes in our fancy email applications and online services. This is why spammers can make their emails look they they come from a variety of fake addresses. This is why many viruses would hijack people's address book, so that their malicious message looked like they came from friends.

There are a multitude of problems like the email protocol. The Internet generally believes what it is told about what something is and where it is from. This creates problems when untrusted people enter into a trusted space. We try to layer on protections like anti-virus software and site analysis tools, but the underlying architecture remains open.

Enter Web 2.0. As pointed out by many including this recent CSO Online article social networking sites have the added danger of providing very powerful capabilities to non-techies. And they continue to be environments of trust.

The ability to post and share files (including pictures and applications) used to require programming, but now everyone can do it. Although Facebook users may invoke their privacy settings they are still in a largely trusted environment as there is little authentication for "friends." This combination of power to those who may not understand and lack of authentication allow for a multitude of threats.

First, actual friends may unknowingly open you up to threats. They may link to some malicious code (possibly found one of their "friend's" sites) that will steal your personal information or provide access to your employer's network. They may (with or without malice) post personal information about your or pictures that will haunt you later.

Lack of authentication means that someone who is not actually your friend can do the above, too. Additionally, if you friend a faker you have given them access to data that you considered private. Why did you friend that person? Perhaps they were a friend of a friend.

I admit that I use some of the Web 2.0 tools. And I blog, so I'm obviously not the most hardcore of privacy geeks. Security and privacy are always trade-offs for other things, such as convenience and functionality. Sometimes I decide it is worth it to make the trade. But I do so knowing that a trade is being made. Many people don't think about that part. And they get in trouble.

Whenever you post anything or click on anything or believe anything on the Internet consider who you are trusting. Since it is essentially impossible to delete anything from the Internet, the answer is usually that you are trusting everyone for all time. Privacy settings may temporarily limit the sphere of trust, but it should be assumed that those limits will eventually erode.

Who do you really trust?

UPDATE: For an example of how Trust in Real Life can create technical vulnerabilities. Check out this social engineering example that uses someone's MySpace/Twitter updates, a cheap shirt, a USB drive, and cookies to hack a network.

Super Weekend

I’ve been meaning to make this post but between work projects during the day and moving prep at night it’s been a busy week. I’m still not going to be able to do this all justice, but…

Last weekend was great.

On Saturday afternoon, some friends threw me a baby shower. It was a Kimmy Z in Wonderland themed Mad Tea Party. It was a nice sized group. We ate and talked. Then I opened fabulous presents for the critter.

On Saturday night, hubby and I went to see the Heartless Bastards (and a fabulous opening band, The Subjects). It was fun to be able to go to another concert together since soon that will be a luxury. (Now, we complain about high Ticketmaster fees, but those will look like nothing compared to the cost of a babysitter!)

Sunday was, of course, the Super Bowl. I cheered, and I yelled. It was an exciting game, and the Steelers prevailed bringing me to tears. Go Steelers!

A great weekend.

This weekend is all about packing and starting to move. It won’t be anywhere near as fun, but it has to be done.

It's Official: I'm too big

I’d known it was coming, and I’d been dreading it. The Talk. The Talk in which my midwife would tell me that I’d gained too much weight. I got it this morning. The timing particularly stung since yesterday was a particularly gluttonous day ending with me crying in bed about how big I’d allowed myself to get. It stung to hear that I was not exaggerating.

At my first appointment I was told that I should gain 25-35 pounds over the course of the pregnancy. At 33 weeks I have already gained more than 40. I had seen the weight gain edging up ahead of schedule for a while, but it was easy to ignore when nobody official said anything about. Now it is for real. Now it is in my permanent (health) record.

I’ve been doing some good things, but I’ve been doing some bad things as well. Although I’ve done healthy things like ramp up my vegetables, I’ve also ramped up everything else. I do 90 minute Bikram sessions 2-3 times per week, but I don’t do much else in the way of exercise.

The timing of my pregnancy hasn’t helped me. The onset of winter has greatly decreased the frequency and duration of my lunchtime walks. And then there were the holidays. I gained 12 pounds from Thanksgiving to New Year’s.

The good news is that I am not yet showing the negative side effects of excessive weight gain. My blood pressure is good (even a bit to the low side). I don’t have gestational (or any other form of) diabetes. Still, I know that extra weight gain tends to mean extra baby weight gain. Bigger baby often leads to the need for more interventions. I’ve been looking forward to a natural birth. I know that cannot be guaranteed for a number of reasons, but I’s hate to have that the reason that plan changes be that I view every box of donuts brought into work as an invitation to have 3.

So now I need to get serious. I need to be strong and turn away from sweets. I need to get back on the VersaClimber (which will be scary since even the stairs to our apartment are challenging now). I need to keep doing Bikram and try for at least 3 times a week.

I can do this. I was strong when I lost weight for my wedding (which I did through healthier eating and exercise—not starving myself). I know how to treat my body better than I have been. I need to do that again. Growing this critter is the most important thing my body has ever done, and I want to do it right.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

We’re moving.

Almost two years ago we changed jobs, got engaged, and moved halfway across the country within about a month. We somehow survived to joke about how crazy it all was, but now we are doing something similarly insane.

We are moving less than 5 weeks before my due date.

We needed a bigger apartment to house both our stuff and the influx of baby accoutrement, but our lease wasn’t going to be up until May. We figured a couple months of cramped living would be fine, particularly at a time when the baby isn’t crawling. Still, last fall we told our landlord that we wouldn’t be renewing the lease in our current place but that he should let us know if he had anything larger opening up. (We really like our landlord, and we knew he owned several other buildings in the area.)

Well, a couple of weeks ago he invited us to see an apartment that was opening up because the tenants are moving to Seattle. It was pretty much just what we needed. He wasn’t sure when the tenants would be leaving, so he said he’d get back to us on that. It turned out that they would be out by January 31.

Our landlord is willing to be flexible on our move date, but we decided that sooner is better than later. This way we will be fairly settled for when the baby arrives. (He’ll even have a real nursery!) Still, we only have a few weeks to orchestrate the move during a time that is already busy.

The hardest thing about this move is not the tight timeline, it’s accepting my own limits. I am typically prideful and stubborn in my independence. I am learning to ask for help from husband, but I’m still generally uncomfortable asking for help from other people. Under normal circumstances I would pack and move boxes myself; I would carry things up and down the stairs. But I’m not supposed to lift more that 25 lbs. And I can barely carry myself up and down the stairs. Although I will contribute to the packing and unpacking, the actual move will force me to do little else than point to where things should go.

All the baby books emphasize letting people do things for you. I guess this move will be practice for that.

Double Picture Meme

Red Pen Mama and JayCee each tagged me with similar challenges.

RPM's meme had these instructions
1. Go to the fourth picture folder on your computer.
2. Post the fourth picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag four more people.
JC's meme was the same thing with the 6th of 6th. So here they both go.

My 4th folder was labeled MSISPM after my degree program at Carnegie Mellon. The 4th picture was

We were the inaugural year of our program. There were 12 of us. Two of us were girls, but the other girl took different classes than the rest of us, didn't use the study lab with the rest of us, and never went out socially with the rest of us. As a result, I was generally thought of as the token girl, so most of the time it was me and a bunch of guys. This picture is one of many nights out. (And, in case you were wondering, the other guys had only recently explained to Pete what the "shocker" is and from that point on he would frequently make the gesture and yell "Shock and Awe!")

My 6th folder was labeled Sale because it was pictures of items I was selling on Craigslist before I left Pittsburgh. The 6th picture was

For my last 6 years in Pittsburgh, I lived in an amazing loft in condominium on the South Side. It was in an old school house. It had high ceilings, huge windows, and tons of character. I loved that space. When I saw this sofa shortly after moving in I knew it was perfect. At the time it cost more than my take home pay in a month, but it was too perfect to pass up. The oversized nature of the sofa (approximately 4' deep and 7' long) made it great for an open-plan loft but meant it did not have a chance of fitting in my one bedroom apartment in Arlington, VA. I had to get rid of it before moving. It didn't sell from my ad, but my friend Steve ended up buying it. Later he used it as a set piece when he directed a play I wrote.

Okay, from both of those I'm supposed to tag 10 people! However, I think that anyone who would do a meme already has done one of these, so I'm going to break the rules and not tag. If anyone wants to join the fun, please do.

Hips Don't Fail Me Now

My hips hurt. I started noticing it on Friday night. I figured it was a momentary strain. But my hips still hurt on Saturday. I decided it might be the fact that I had used the VersaClimber on Thursday for the first time in a while. Or, perhaps, it was the fact that I hadn’t been to Bikram since Tuesday.

I made sure to go to Bikram on Sunday morning in hopes of alleviating the soreness in my hips. I certainly felt good (as always) doing yoga, and I felt good for the rest of the day. But today I woke up with sore hips again.

It probably didn’t help that I spent a lot of time sitting on the floor playing the new Raving Rabbids game for the Wii, and then contorted through a variety of stress positions as I nervously watched the AFC Championship Game. (Go Steelers!)

Perhaps it is a sleep position thing. I do sleep with a Snoogle, which is a C shaped pillow designed for pregnant women. One part tucks under my head, another part wraps around my belly, and another part goes between my legs. I mostly got it because I was often a stomach sleeper, and I figured that this would help prevent me from crushing the critter. Now, I think that perhaps I should add another pillow between my legs to help keep my hips level. I guess I’ll try that tonight.

It wouldn’t surprise me to feel some discomfort. My body is currently hauling around almost 40 more points than it was last summer (although only 20 more pounds than it was a year ago). Still, I had been enjoying being largely discomfort free to date. Despite having a history of back problems, I haven’t had back pain. This hip thing is the first problem that couldn’t be fixed by changing positions. I know I should consider myself lucky since many women have pain and problems throughout pregnancy, but I’m just hoping that I’m not going to feel this way for another 8 weeks.

I will continue to do my Bikram 2-3 times a week in hopes that will help. At minimum, it helps when I’m doing it. Plus, 90 minutes in a 105 degree room is a nice break from the Chicago winter.



(Technically my right knee should be directly over my right ankle. Was this picture a presager to my hip issues?)

Never thought that would happen

I was so impressed with Jerome Bettis when he first came to the Steelers that I bought a #36 jersey by his 3rd regular season game. By the end of his career you could get a Bettis jersey anywhere in Pittsburgh and in many other cities as well. At the time, however, I had to go to at least 5 stores before I found one and even then it was a Wilson rather than an "official" NFL item. I take a lot of pride in my 1996 jersey when I see people in Bettis jerseys from far later in his Steelers tenure. I take pride in knowing he was awesome from the start.

I bought the jersey oversized because that's what I liked at the time. Had I bought it a few years later I would have chosen a size that fit me more appropriately, but I wasn't going to replace it (see note on pride above). When I became pregnant in the summer, knowing I would be growing throughout football season, the large nature of the jersey became a benefit.

I joked that my Bettis jersey would be one of the few articles of my "regular" clothes that I'd still be able to wear. Even before I knew I was pregnant I had written a play in which a pregnant woman goes into labor during Super Bowl XL and is admitted to the hospital in her Bettis jersey. But yesterday, when dressing to go to a friend's house for a doube-feature of Pennsylvania football, the unthinkable happened...

My Bettis jersey was snug around my belly!

Since it was chilly out I was a wearing a black thermal under the jersey, but it wasn't that bulky. I'm just too big for my too big jersey.

Luckily, a couple of years ago a friend gave me a Polamalu jersey that I rarely wear because it was even more ridiculously huge on me than the Bettis jersey. Until now.

The Polamalu jersey did well for me yesterday, and it will be what I wear for what is guaranteed to be an incredibly tense AFC championship against our hated, division-rivals the Baltimore "Birdies." Hears hoping that I need it for the Super Bowl as well.

And yes, I do say the "Here we go, Steelers. Here we go!" chant and then tap on my belly twice. The boy has to learn.

Well-Rounded

In the last week or so I have started to feel big. Before that I had an increasingly round belly, but I mostly felt the same. Now, there is a definite waddling-aspect to my walk, and I can feel gravity tugging down on my belly. Climbing the stairs to our 3rd floor walk-up has become an endurance challenge. This morning I looked at my belly as I got out of the shower and couldn’t help but think of Rodin’s Naked Balzac. (Luckily, the resemblance is in belly only.)

I have gained 35 pounds since getting pregnant. I was told to gain 25-35 pounds, so since I have another 10 weeks to go, so I am definitely going to end up an overachiever. Woo-hoo! (It didn't help being pregnant over the holidays when opportunities to work out were few yet opportunities to eat sugary and high-fat foods were many.)

We had another ultrasound this morning. The tech said the critter is measuring big. I’ve read that 3rd trimester ultrasounds aren’t the most accurate measures, but I’ll be anxious to hear what my midwife says about the results. On the one hand, it would be nice to meet the critter sooner as well as to have a couple fewer weeks of discomfort. On the other hand…Ack, less time to get ready! Of course, there is always the possibility that he'll wait until closer to the original date but be HUGE. Thank goodness for yoga!

I guess only time will tell for sure when this little (big?) guy decides to come out and meet us and how big I’ll get before that happens.

Hello from the critter

It can be very comforting at the end of a hectic day to feel someone kicking around in your belly.

Let the nesting begin!

So a couple of the predicted elements of the third trimester have already become facts of life: nesting instincts and heartburn. The former is excessively more fun than the later, so let's focus on that.

On Saturday, hubby (aka big, strong man) moved our VersaClimber to the living room. I am not a fan of exercise equipment in the main areas of the home, but we need to make space somewhere until we move to a 3 bedroom apartment in May. It was either the VersaClimber in the living room or stacks of diapers in the living room. Of those options, the VersaClimber is more aesthetically pleasing, and I can watch TV while I work out.

On Sunday, I bought 2 4-drawer plastic organizers (on sale at Target!) and placed them in the VersaClimber's previous space in the den/office. I placed all the 0-3 clothes into drawers by type (hats & socks, tops & onesies, bottoms, and pajamas). We are well stocked on those sizes, so the drawers are satisfyingly full. I left the larger sizes of clothes boxed up, ready to be rotated in whenever the critter grows out of the little stuff (which, as I understand it, could be almost immediately or after multiple months).

I also started drawers for light and heavy blankets. There are two more drawers with uses that are currently TBD contingent on what I want stored there versus elsewhere.

Commence the label making! I got out the label maker and labeled each of the assigned drawers based on its contents. I stare at my little tower of achievement with great pride and anticipation.

What I'd really like to do now is start acquiring our essential gear items, so that I can stare at them obsessively rather than just staring at pictures on my registries obsessively. But I hold back. It seems smart to wait until after the baby shower to see what I might receive as gifts. Plus, there are other preparations I should do first: donate stuff I don't need, pack up stuff I won't need until after the move. Those preparations will make more room for gear!

So I guess I'll be focused on packing and sorting for the next few weeks. It's not as fun as shopping, but it must be done.

It's 10 weeks and 2 days before my due date. For anything else 10 weeks would seem like a long time, but for critter preparations it seems quite soon.