A Better Form Letter of Rejection

(Literary Managers, feel free to use this!)

Dear playwright:

You are awesome. Seriously. You wrote a play. You didn’t just get an idea that you eventually forgot about. You didn’t jot down notes on a piece of paper that you later lost. You didn’t leave a few pages of dialogue in a long unopened file on your hard drive. You didn’t say that you would write a play. You actually wrote a play. I applaud your obvious passion for writing.

Not only did you write a play, but you took the time to submit it to us. I appreciate the time, dedication, and bravery it takes to send your work to be judged by strangers. I am honored that you trusted our theatre with your words.

I regret to inform you that we will not be producing your play. You and I both know that this is a form letter, so I won’t insult you with vague excuses for this rejection. You can’t learn anything from the phrase “not a good fit” even if it is sincere. However, I can truly state that I wish I had better news for you. I took this job because I enjoy working with playwrights and getting to produce plays. I don’t like having to be the bad guy.

Please keep writing, and keep submitting your work wherever you can. Go and prove me an idiot for having sent this. I hope to someday hear your name in connection with a highly successful production or prestigious award, and I hope I will recognize you as someone whose work I allowed to pass across my desk. I don’t want to think that I killed your dreams or chances at success. Your success will help to ease my conscience, which is burdened by having to reject so many plays that I need to do it via form letter.

Sincerely,
Literary Manager/signed

Superman 2.0

Lois Lane: Can you read my mind? Can you picture the things I'm thinking of?

Superman: Right now you’re thinking of a particularly amusing lolcat.

Lois Lane: So you can read my mind!

Superman: Well, yes, but also you just posted it to Facebook.

Lois Lane: Oh. But can you see through my clothes?

Superman: Ummm…no. That planter must be made of lead.

Lois Lane: Ha!

Superman: But I saw you tagged in some pictures from Cabo last year and can pretty much imagine the rest.

A Point of Agreement

Atheists and Fundamentalist Christians disagree about a lot of things, but there is one point on which they perfectly agree. "We will be with Jesus when we die." The Christians see this as meaning that they will go to heaven, where Jesus is waiting for them. And the atheists...well, they don't believe that Jesus exists. And they don't believe in life after death; therefore, after they die they won't exist. Just like Jesus. We will all be with Jesus when we die. At least the atheists and the Christians. I'm still not sure where the other religions fit in to all of this.

Great Minds

Great minds may think alike, but coming up with the same answer as someone else doesn't mean you think alike. It could be luck or coincidence or you could have copied off of their paper. Coming to a correct answer doesn't make you a great mind. It just makes you correct. Once.

In Junior High I got good grades in Geometry, much to the chagrin of my teacher. You see, I never could remember the formulas. Still, somehow, I could force my way through with the formulas that I did know and come up with the correct answers. I couldn't be accused of copying because we had to do the proofs. My proofs clearly showed how I came to the answer. Each meticulous step. You see, when you know the correct formula your proof may only take a few lines. When you don’t know the correct formulas you can get there but it takes 10 times more lines of proof.

I got a good grade in Geometry, but that doesn’t mean I’m good at math. It just means I passed the class.

You can pass a lot of things, but it doesn’t make you a genius.

Words, words, words.

Anyone who talks enough is likely to get something right eventually. It's like monkeys with typewriters.

Missed Connection - March 5, 8:25 AM

I saw you on the Purple Line heading North. You were wearing a black puffy coat. Yes, that could be anyone on the train in Chicago in winter (even me on some days), but you--you were wearing red leather gloves and carrying a matching bag. Oh, those red leather gloves, perfectly forming around you hands. You looked like a highly fashionable murder. Those gloves could strangle. Those gloves could tighten a rope or wield a knife. Is that what the red bag is for? Is that your murder kit? Were you on your way to kill someone or was that before?

I have learned many things from crime shows, including that there are very few female serial killers. You are special. Do you know that? But still, I hope you won't mind if I ask: after choosing such quality and striking pieces like your signature gloves and bag why--oh, why do you wear those horrible shoes? Sorry. I just had to mention it. Kill me.