I woke up this morning and my heart was racing. It felt as if I had too much caffeine, but I was sleeping. I did have some white tea around 9 PM, but that's not unusual for me. Still, this morning my heart was racing.
It felt almost hangoverish, so I slept in a bit. That didn't work. I planned to work out, but since I slept in I didn't have much time. I did 10 minutes on the Versaclimber thinking that maybe a bit of cardio would even things out again. Nope. I ate my breakfast hoping that would help. Nope.
Now it is 2 and a half hours later and my heart is still racing. I don't know why. But I'm tempting fate and having sa little coffee anyway because heart racing or no, I am sleepy. Maybe being up past 11 last night is part of the problem, but that certainly isn't the first time that has happened.
I'm just hoping my body slows down soon before my heart jumps out of my chest onto my keyboard tray.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Food Fight Continues
So my frustration with dieting naysayers that I described in a previous post continues.
I just got an email from a friend who is struggling to lose weight. Although she talks about wanting to lose weight for image reasons, this recent push, however, is for medical/health reasons. She is frustrated with here prescribed diet and exercise program. That's understandable. She was ranting about this struggle in here email. That's understandable, too. What got me riled up though was this statement, "I hate that all of my friends can eat normally and lose weight."
There it was again, that assumption this my major lifestyle changes are easy. Now, maybe she has the wrong impression since I save my splurging for when I go out. But as I eat my lunch of edamame, low fat cheese, and apple (rather than the burger and fries that smell so good a couple of cubes over) I am pissed off.
I'm sorry that she's struggling, but her struggle has actually been frustrating to me in the last few months. She bitches about not seeing results, but I never saw her trying. Maybe it is the same thing I mentioned above, and she was splurging for social event. Still, I have my doubts.
For a while we were both using www.thedailyplate.com to track our eating habits. She quit a few weeks ago, but even when she was on I don't think she was being honest with herself. Those nights we would go out were missing big chunks of details, so I wonder what her other days were. Like the boy who cried wolf I had a hard time sympathizing when she would claim to have been under on calories all week but still not have lost any weight. (Me? I bought a kitchen scale because I know I suck at estimate portions.) Additionally, she didn't track her alcohol. She'll definitely have a few drinks when she goes out and that can really add up.
Similarly on exercise she talks about doing a 20 minute pilates DVD in the morning and walking on her lunch hour. Certainly that's better than nothing, but if she's not sweating and getting her heart rate up she's not really making an impact. I know that because I've read it. I know that because I've lived it.
Ultimately, I feel it comes down to motivation. She is not vain enough to make the change purely for image reasons (which is good because I think the ability to seriously diet just to get into a smaller pair of jeans seems like it could put someone on the road of a dangerous eating disorder). However, just being TOLD to do things by her doctor is not enough. She wants to want it. The changes I have made have not been easy, but they are worth it because I am getting what I want out of it. It's like saving up to buy something you want. You make sacrifices everyday, but you end up with something you want. For me, I want to be healthy.
Wanting to be healthy is only part of the complex motivations that have inspired me to improve my lifestyle in ways I never could before. Being healthy for me was never an effective motivator, but now I have more. I want to be healthy for John, so that we can have a long and healthy marriage. I want to be healthy so that I will be a good home for the first nine months of our children's lives. I want to be healthy because of my wedding, not because I want to look good in my dress (although that's an added bonus) but because of what follows the wedding.
I cannot mention those motivations to my friend because she is currently single and not happy about it. I can't help but wonder if that frustration and her diet/exercise frustration are related. I wish I knew how to help her.
Although I occasionally try to mention diet finds and exercise hints, I know that trying to be her personal trainer will not work. Mostly I sit back and let her do what she wants. I'm offering to help, but I'm not going to push.
Is it right for me to think so much about what she is doing wrong, probably not. I try to focus on myself, but I've become acutely aware of what's healthy and unhealthy that I see it in others.
I hope she succeeds. I feel so good (physically and mentally) that I want everyone to feel this good. But even if she fails I hope she respects the work that I do everyday.
I just got an email from a friend who is struggling to lose weight. Although she talks about wanting to lose weight for image reasons, this recent push, however, is for medical/health reasons. She is frustrated with here prescribed diet and exercise program. That's understandable. She was ranting about this struggle in here email. That's understandable, too. What got me riled up though was this statement, "I hate that all of my friends can eat normally and lose weight."
There it was again, that assumption this my major lifestyle changes are easy. Now, maybe she has the wrong impression since I save my splurging for when I go out. But as I eat my lunch of edamame, low fat cheese, and apple (rather than the burger and fries that smell so good a couple of cubes over) I am pissed off.
I'm sorry that she's struggling, but her struggle has actually been frustrating to me in the last few months. She bitches about not seeing results, but I never saw her trying. Maybe it is the same thing I mentioned above, and she was splurging for social event. Still, I have my doubts.
For a while we were both using www.thedailyplate.com to track our eating habits. She quit a few weeks ago, but even when she was on I don't think she was being honest with herself. Those nights we would go out were missing big chunks of details, so I wonder what her other days were. Like the boy who cried wolf I had a hard time sympathizing when she would claim to have been under on calories all week but still not have lost any weight. (Me? I bought a kitchen scale because I know I suck at estimate portions.) Additionally, she didn't track her alcohol. She'll definitely have a few drinks when she goes out and that can really add up.
Similarly on exercise she talks about doing a 20 minute pilates DVD in the morning and walking on her lunch hour. Certainly that's better than nothing, but if she's not sweating and getting her heart rate up she's not really making an impact. I know that because I've read it. I know that because I've lived it.
Ultimately, I feel it comes down to motivation. She is not vain enough to make the change purely for image reasons (which is good because I think the ability to seriously diet just to get into a smaller pair of jeans seems like it could put someone on the road of a dangerous eating disorder). However, just being TOLD to do things by her doctor is not enough. She wants to want it. The changes I have made have not been easy, but they are worth it because I am getting what I want out of it. It's like saving up to buy something you want. You make sacrifices everyday, but you end up with something you want. For me, I want to be healthy.
Wanting to be healthy is only part of the complex motivations that have inspired me to improve my lifestyle in ways I never could before. Being healthy for me was never an effective motivator, but now I have more. I want to be healthy for John, so that we can have a long and healthy marriage. I want to be healthy so that I will be a good home for the first nine months of our children's lives. I want to be healthy because of my wedding, not because I want to look good in my dress (although that's an added bonus) but because of what follows the wedding.
I cannot mention those motivations to my friend because she is currently single and not happy about it. I can't help but wonder if that frustration and her diet/exercise frustration are related. I wish I knew how to help her.
Although I occasionally try to mention diet finds and exercise hints, I know that trying to be her personal trainer will not work. Mostly I sit back and let her do what she wants. I'm offering to help, but I'm not going to push.
Is it right for me to think so much about what she is doing wrong, probably not. I try to focus on myself, but I've become acutely aware of what's healthy and unhealthy that I see it in others.
I hope she succeeds. I feel so good (physically and mentally) that I want everyone to feel this good. But even if she fails I hope she respects the work that I do everyday.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Honorable Mention Hidden in a Rejection
I just got a rejection email from the Moving Arts One-Act Competition. Well, I thought it was a rejection email. The first part definitely was. Then it listed the winner, and the finalists, and the honorable mentions. Hey, that's my play "A Skewed Nude" at the top of the list of honorable mentions!
Now, getting an honorable mention is not winning. My play will get no production and no prize money (if there is any to be had). Still, I would think that being one of 16 honorable mentions out of a reported 250+ submissions would merit some sort of congratulatory email rather than what is obviously the general "thanks for your submission, but..." email. Not that I'm ungrateful. I'm happy for the acknowledgment. I'm just glad I read the entire message.
Now, getting an honorable mention is not winning. My play will get no production and no prize money (if there is any to be had). Still, I would think that being one of 16 honorable mentions out of a reported 250+ submissions would merit some sort of congratulatory email rather than what is obviously the general "thanks for your submission, but..." email. Not that I'm ungrateful. I'm happy for the acknowledgment. I'm just glad I read the entire message.
Monday, March 10, 2008
And now for an inappropriate toast.
On Saturday night we hosted a wedding reception for two friends who got married in a private ceremony on February 29. The groom's best friend gave a toast as a de facto best man (since he and his wife were the only witnesses to the wedding...well, that and the rent-a-Jew they had to hire since they needed a Jew to sign the ketubah). It was nice that he wanted to give the toast. It started out okay, not brilliant or clever but okay. Then, it made it's turn for the inappropriate.
I may not be Emily Post, but I have some thoughts on appropriate wedding toasts, which may or may not mirror the formal etiquette books.
1) I believe that in a wedding toast there should be no reference made to exes. Not at all. Just like how many of us brides choose to wear white and our friends will accept that bit of costumed purity despite what they may know better, I feel it is best to pretend that there has never been anyone other than the person to whom someone is being married. Not that I think people should deny their pasts, but on that day, at that moment, the newlyweds are the only couple about which anyone should be thinking.
2) Of course an ex can't be discussed in a positive light lest it detract from the partner, as a result if an ex is mentioned it is probably in an insulting way (such as not being as good is some/all ways than the betrothed). I think there are sincerer ways to flatter the bride than to say she's better than the ex-girlfriends, but maybe some people are more comfortably with flattery via contrast. Because of this, if a toaster chooses to mention an ex he should not do so if that person is in the room.
3) Okay, if he has to bring up and insult the ex while the ex is in the room, at least don't call attention to the fact that the ex is in the room.
4) Finally, if you must bring up the ex, insult the ex while she is the room, and call out the fact that the ex is there, at least have the decorum not to do so when you are a guest in her house!
Yes, I dated the groom. And yes, the "best man" chose to do all the above in his toast. And lest you try to write it off as him being a bit drunk when he gave the toast, he was, but he also had the toast TYPED out ahead of time. He was reading it. I believe that pointing out that it's a "tough room when one of the exes is right here" may have been off the cuff, but the part leading up to that seemed to be a part of the plan.
When he said this I didn't want to say anything lest I make any awkwardness that anyone else may have been feeling worse. (I myself was feeling very awkward indeed.) Luckily, a good friend chimed in with a patently sassy comment. Something like "Okay, I'm sorry I slept with him!" Others took the hint and a handful of others (female and male) made similar proclamations thus successfully restoring the rightful levity of the occasion.
The toaster seemed unfazed, so perhaps he was pleased with the response.
I've been on enough wedding sites and seen enough tv to know that there have been far worse toast made at other weddings, but perhaps just because of my association with it, this is the worst faux pas I've seen in a best man toast.
Luckily, the moment passed, and the night was a success. Still, I look back on that toast, and it just irks me.
Am I worried about the toasts at my wedding? Heck no. Our best man has a job that requires him to give speeches to all sorts of audiences, and I've seen him in action as a best man before. Although he's definitely will spout colorful barbs in close company, he knows how to be appropriate to the situation. He'll be eloquent and sweet and proper. As for my maid of honor, well, that's the friend who spoke up first to ease the tension of the toast. She understands.
I may not be Emily Post, but I have some thoughts on appropriate wedding toasts, which may or may not mirror the formal etiquette books.
1) I believe that in a wedding toast there should be no reference made to exes. Not at all. Just like how many of us brides choose to wear white and our friends will accept that bit of costumed purity despite what they may know better, I feel it is best to pretend that there has never been anyone other than the person to whom someone is being married. Not that I think people should deny their pasts, but on that day, at that moment, the newlyweds are the only couple about which anyone should be thinking.
2) Of course an ex can't be discussed in a positive light lest it detract from the partner, as a result if an ex is mentioned it is probably in an insulting way (such as not being as good is some/all ways than the betrothed). I think there are sincerer ways to flatter the bride than to say she's better than the ex-girlfriends, but maybe some people are more comfortably with flattery via contrast. Because of this, if a toaster chooses to mention an ex he should not do so if that person is in the room.
3) Okay, if he has to bring up and insult the ex while the ex is in the room, at least don't call attention to the fact that the ex is in the room.
4) Finally, if you must bring up the ex, insult the ex while she is the room, and call out the fact that the ex is there, at least have the decorum not to do so when you are a guest in her house!
Yes, I dated the groom. And yes, the "best man" chose to do all the above in his toast. And lest you try to write it off as him being a bit drunk when he gave the toast, he was, but he also had the toast TYPED out ahead of time. He was reading it. I believe that pointing out that it's a "tough room when one of the exes is right here" may have been off the cuff, but the part leading up to that seemed to be a part of the plan.
When he said this I didn't want to say anything lest I make any awkwardness that anyone else may have been feeling worse. (I myself was feeling very awkward indeed.) Luckily, a good friend chimed in with a patently sassy comment. Something like "Okay, I'm sorry I slept with him!" Others took the hint and a handful of others (female and male) made similar proclamations thus successfully restoring the rightful levity of the occasion.
The toaster seemed unfazed, so perhaps he was pleased with the response.
I've been on enough wedding sites and seen enough tv to know that there have been far worse toast made at other weddings, but perhaps just because of my association with it, this is the worst faux pas I've seen in a best man toast.
Luckily, the moment passed, and the night was a success. Still, I look back on that toast, and it just irks me.
Am I worried about the toasts at my wedding? Heck no. Our best man has a job that requires him to give speeches to all sorts of audiences, and I've seen him in action as a best man before. Although he's definitely will spout colorful barbs in close company, he knows how to be appropriate to the situation. He'll be eloquent and sweet and proper. As for my maid of honor, well, that's the friend who spoke up first to ease the tension of the toast. She understands.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
10 Pounds
One of my goals for the year (I dare not curse them with the title "resolutions.) was to lose 10 pounds before my wedding. I've altered my diet (both by limiting calories and adding more healthy foods), and I've started to exercise regularly (or at least occasionally). Sometimes when people would find out particularly about my calorie counting they'd roll their eyes. You see, I wasn't fat. I know that. By both aesthetic and health (i.e. BMI) terms I was doing just fine. As a result, people viewed my wanting to lose weight as overly vain and unimportant. ("Go ahead. Have a donut. It isn't like YOU can't afford it.") But I see it differently.
I was a reasonable size by happenstance. I walk probably more than an average amount just in the act of going to and from work and various offices during work. I also live in a 3rd floor walk up. These sort of things plus a decent metabolism seemed to keep even my addiction to french fries from having too bad an effect. However, as I've grown older, the scale has been creeping up. Reason 1 to lose weight: To get a grip on an otherwise slippery slope.
Although I was a size that could be considered enviable I was not healthy. I was weak due to poor muscle tone. I became easily winded. I went days without any significant servings of fruits or vegetables (other than those french fries, which do not count). Reason 2 to lose weight: To become healthy. I believe that reason 1 ties to reason 2. It's all about reason 2.
Losing weight is demonstrative of becoming fit. Could I get fit and remain the same size and weight that would have been fine, but I knew that wasn't how it works.
When I was in grad school a few years back I was the healthiest I'd ever been (which still wasn't that healthy). I was in school full time. Although school was very challenging I needed breaks from the thinking, so I was taking a lot of dance and pilates. Because I wasn't working I had a strict budget. The cheapest place to buy food was the farmer's market. My diet was far from balanced (i.e. sweet potatoes for dinner 3 nights in a row!) but at least there were some vitamins in there. I felt good, and I looked good. When I gained 20 pounds in the years since grad school I still may have looked good, but I didn't feel good. I also didn't feel like I looked good.
I have lost ten pounds since January.
Folks roll their eyes. They feel I didn't need to do it. (I needed to do it for me.) They feel that for someone who is fairly thin it doesn't take much effort to lose ten pounds. (I have worked my ass off. Literally.) They can think what they want. I feel better.
I just did some shopping. I bought some more stylish and fun items than usual. I've only gone down one size, but I feel confident, which inspires me to take more risks. I chose clothes based on what would be flattering, because I felt that I was in desperate need of flattering. Now I can buy clothes to have fun rather than as something to hide my less favorite parts. I feel that I will look great in my wedding gown. I am excited to buy a swim suit for our beach honeymoon. But most importantly, I feel good about what I'm doing for my body. I feel that I will be able to live a long healthy life with John. I feel like I could responsibly get pregnant (which is definitely in our plans).
Folks can roll their eyes, but 10 pounds is a lot. It's a big deal. It an amazing accomplishment. Maybe if some of those folks cut back on the fast food and took a walk once in a while they'd understand.
I was a reasonable size by happenstance. I walk probably more than an average amount just in the act of going to and from work and various offices during work. I also live in a 3rd floor walk up. These sort of things plus a decent metabolism seemed to keep even my addiction to french fries from having too bad an effect. However, as I've grown older, the scale has been creeping up. Reason 1 to lose weight: To get a grip on an otherwise slippery slope.
Although I was a size that could be considered enviable I was not healthy. I was weak due to poor muscle tone. I became easily winded. I went days without any significant servings of fruits or vegetables (other than those french fries, which do not count). Reason 2 to lose weight: To become healthy. I believe that reason 1 ties to reason 2. It's all about reason 2.
Losing weight is demonstrative of becoming fit. Could I get fit and remain the same size and weight that would have been fine, but I knew that wasn't how it works.
When I was in grad school a few years back I was the healthiest I'd ever been (which still wasn't that healthy). I was in school full time. Although school was very challenging I needed breaks from the thinking, so I was taking a lot of dance and pilates. Because I wasn't working I had a strict budget. The cheapest place to buy food was the farmer's market. My diet was far from balanced (i.e. sweet potatoes for dinner 3 nights in a row!) but at least there were some vitamins in there. I felt good, and I looked good. When I gained 20 pounds in the years since grad school I still may have looked good, but I didn't feel good. I also didn't feel like I looked good.
I have lost ten pounds since January.
Folks roll their eyes. They feel I didn't need to do it. (I needed to do it for me.) They feel that for someone who is fairly thin it doesn't take much effort to lose ten pounds. (I have worked my ass off. Literally.) They can think what they want. I feel better.
I just did some shopping. I bought some more stylish and fun items than usual. I've only gone down one size, but I feel confident, which inspires me to take more risks. I chose clothes based on what would be flattering, because I felt that I was in desperate need of flattering. Now I can buy clothes to have fun rather than as something to hide my less favorite parts. I feel that I will look great in my wedding gown. I am excited to buy a swim suit for our beach honeymoon. But most importantly, I feel good about what I'm doing for my body. I feel that I will be able to live a long healthy life with John. I feel like I could responsibly get pregnant (which is definitely in our plans).
Folks can roll their eyes, but 10 pounds is a lot. It's a big deal. It an amazing accomplishment. Maybe if some of those folks cut back on the fast food and took a walk once in a while they'd understand.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Missed Connection - March 5, 8:25 AM
I saw you on the Purple Line heading North. You were wearing a black puffy coat. Yes, that could be anyone on the train in Chicago in winter (even me on some days), but you--you were wearing red leather gloves and carrying a matching bag. Oh, those red leather gloves, perfectly forming around you hands. You looked like a highly fashionable murder. Those gloves could strangle. Those gloves could tighten a rope or wield a knife. Is that what the red bag is for? Is that your murder kit? Were you on your way to kill someone or was that before?
I have learned many things from crime shows, including that there are very few female serial killers. You are special. Do you know that? But still, I hope you won't mind if I ask: after choosing such quality and striking pieces like your signature gloves and bag why--oh, why do you wear those horrible shoes? Sorry. I just had to mention it. Kill me.
I have learned many things from crime shows, including that there are very few female serial killers. You are special. Do you know that? But still, I hope you won't mind if I ask: after choosing such quality and striking pieces like your signature gloves and bag why--oh, why do you wear those horrible shoes? Sorry. I just had to mention it. Kill me.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I still exist
So getting back in the habit of writing--making time to write--obviously hasn't been working. Sure, I've done a little since I posted last. I started a rewrite of one of my full lengths (about 7 pages...not much). I jotted down notes for about 3 one acts in my journal. Still, I haven't been doing much. I haven't even been posting here, which is supposed to be the *easy* part since I just need to do it and not complete some sort of amazing piece of Art.
I'd say I've been busy, which I have, but that's still an excuse. I need to find the time to do what is important. I think perhaps my lack of writing time has been why I've felt so at sea these last few weeks. Of course that's a death spiral. Not writing makes me feel purposeless, listless, and just plain less. When I feel that way I don't write.
This is why, even though I don't have much time to regale you, loyal reader, with profundity or amusing anecdotes, I still logged on. I needed to put words on this little screen with the expectation that more will follow. And they will. I am presently a lapsed writer. I will restore my discipline and my focus and then look out!
I'd say I've been busy, which I have, but that's still an excuse. I need to find the time to do what is important. I think perhaps my lack of writing time has been why I've felt so at sea these last few weeks. Of course that's a death spiral. Not writing makes me feel purposeless, listless, and just plain less. When I feel that way I don't write.
This is why, even though I don't have much time to regale you, loyal reader, with profundity or amusing anecdotes, I still logged on. I needed to put words on this little screen with the expectation that more will follow. And they will. I am presently a lapsed writer. I will restore my discipline and my focus and then look out!
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