And now for an inappropriate toast.

On Saturday night we hosted a wedding reception for two friends who got married in a private ceremony on February 29. The groom's best friend gave a toast as a de facto best man (since he and his wife were the only witnesses to the wedding...well, that and the rent-a-Jew they had to hire since they needed a Jew to sign the ketubah). It was nice that he wanted to give the toast. It started out okay, not brilliant or clever but okay. Then, it made it's turn for the inappropriate.

I may not be Emily Post, but I have some thoughts on appropriate wedding toasts, which may or may not mirror the formal etiquette books.

1) I believe that in a wedding toast there should be no reference made to exes. Not at all. Just like how many of us brides choose to wear white and our friends will accept that bit of costumed purity despite what they may know better, I feel it is best to pretend that there has never been anyone other than the person to whom someone is being married. Not that I think people should deny their pasts, but on that day, at that moment, the newlyweds are the only couple about which anyone should be thinking.

2) Of course an ex can't be discussed in a positive light lest it detract from the partner, as a result if an ex is mentioned it is probably in an insulting way (such as not being as good is some/all ways than the betrothed). I think there are sincerer ways to flatter the bride than to say she's better than the ex-girlfriends, but maybe some people are more comfortably with flattery via contrast. Because of this, if a toaster chooses to mention an ex he should not do so if that person is in the room.

3) Okay, if he has to bring up and insult the ex while the ex is in the room, at least don't call attention to the fact that the ex is in the room.

4) Finally, if you must bring up the ex, insult the ex while she is the room, and call out the fact that the ex is there, at least have the decorum not to do so when you are a guest in her house!

Yes, I dated the groom. And yes, the "best man" chose to do all the above in his toast. And lest you try to write it off as him being a bit drunk when he gave the toast, he was, but he also had the toast TYPED out ahead of time. He was reading it. I believe that pointing out that it's a "tough room when one of the exes is right here" may have been off the cuff, but the part leading up to that seemed to be a part of the plan.

When he said this I didn't want to say anything lest I make any awkwardness that anyone else may have been feeling worse. (I myself was feeling very awkward indeed.) Luckily, a good friend chimed in with a patently sassy comment. Something like "Okay, I'm sorry I slept with him!" Others took the hint and a handful of others (female and male) made similar proclamations thus successfully restoring the rightful levity of the occasion.

The toaster seemed unfazed, so perhaps he was pleased with the response.

I've been on enough wedding sites and seen enough tv to know that there have been far worse toast made at other weddings, but perhaps just because of my association with it, this is the worst faux pas I've seen in a best man toast.

Luckily, the moment passed, and the night was a success. Still, I look back on that toast, and it just irks me.

Am I worried about the toasts at my wedding? Heck no. Our best man has a job that requires him to give speeches to all sorts of audiences, and I've seen him in action as a best man before. Although he's definitely will spout colorful barbs in close company, he knows how to be appropriate to the situation. He'll be eloquent and sweet and proper. As for my maid of honor, well, that's the friend who spoke up first to ease the tension of the toast. She understands.