I a loner...and a baby

So I'm upset right now. Like crying upset. And it's stupid. And I know that. But I can't help it.

Two of my friends just canceled for the wedding. This prompted me to look closely at the overall guest list. John's friends and family are 2/3 of the guests. He has twice the number of people coming as I do.

On one hand, this makes sense. He's a very social person with a close family. I'm a bit of a loner with a widely dispersed and not close family.

Still, I can't help but think back to the fact that we invited almost the same number of people. That the final list is not because he invited more people, but that the people I invited had a higher rate of "regrets."

This may make sense, too. Many of my friends and some of my family are in theatre or other areas of the arts. They either don't have the money to travel, or they have shows. (Or one couple is due to have a baby pretty much the same time I'm getting married.)

I know these things. Still, it's upsetting. And I'm crying like a fool.

I was a pudgy, nerdy kid with low self-esteem. I was not popular. I had few friends. I finally have self-confidence. I do have good friends. Yet I look at these numbers on a spreadsheet, and I'm embarrassed. Like I should be ashamed. People joke that a wedding is all about the bride, right? Well, this one is not. It can't be. Most of the people aren't there to see me.

Yes. Many of John's friends would probably consider me a "mutual friend." But so would many of my friends for him.

I know it's not a contest. And most of the people who I am truly close with will be in attendance. But I'm suddenly very sad.

I hope this emotional outburst is just me getting it out of my system. I hope I won't be a mess for this or any other reason on my actual wedding day.